Frustrated Love

Hate is just frustrated love.

 

That’s what they say.

 

I thought about that and there is only one person or situation that this doesn’t ring true of and that is Adolph Hitler and the Holocaust. He hated just to hate. God made him wrong. Sorry, God. But we all make mistakes. Apparently even you.

 

I am pretty sure I made my own mistake by continuing to emotionally punish Roger for hurting me. It hurt people and caused problems for him in the new relationship that he has chosen. 

 

I don’t like Icky Vickie at ALL.

 

But she is still a human being and I refuse to call her names or curse at her if I can help it. And I CAN help it. She uses drugs cuz she feels wounded by the world. I don’t need to be part of that world. 

 

I have to let go of my anger towards Roger, too. I have to stop punishing him for not speaking to me. It is his choice to be free of me, of everything about me. I must accept that he will die without me holding him ever again. 

 

I also have to accept the fact that it isn’t anything I really did wrong because he had already told icky he was planning on leaving me, as he was securing her. So there was nothing I could have done. He had already left me in his heart and was just keeping me around so he didn’t hurt me.

 

I don’t think that went as planned, lmao. 

 

Yes there was a power dynamic in our relationship that was skewed, not balanced or fair, and in the end I felt cheated by his selfish behavior because he was not a good or caring sexual partner when it came to my needs. I would wait a whole week to see him and I would pleasure him and he wouldn’t even remove my underwear. 

 

Then, I felt unwanted…which in turn hurt my pride and made me insecure. But I let that happen to myself by closing my body off at a certain point and going no deeper into intimacy. I did that to myself when I knew he was getting vanilla sex elsewhere and I let it slide cuz I had a better gimmick and felt a victory over whoever the other woman was at the time. I also struggled because he cheated and I knew it and felt inferior… Feeling inferior makes you want to hide your body. If you hide your body, you’re not open to sex and love in the real sense.

 

But I wanted to keep him as my lover so I came up with something that revolved around his pleasure and I made it mine, too. Femdom. 

 

Then, he told me I emasculated him by trying to make him happy. I’m still so confused because I was no longer even being asked to suck his penis. He was getting all his other needs met elsewhere.

 

Why that hurts so much is because I WANTED a Dom SO bad. I agreed to a SWITCH, NOT A SERVICE TOP. That’s what he made me.

 

I always had to have oral sex as a replacement for hetero sex because he didn’t want me pregnant. He wanted no ties to me that were set in stone.

 

So, he just didn’t fuck me. But then he didn’t touch me either, at least not without prompting. Finally it was down to just oral sex and even that had to be done in a dominant manner to suit his tastes. I was never ever allowed to just lay back and be pleased orally because his shoulders were bad. But we could have come up with a way. Now that I’m sexually liberated, I’ll pretzel my short little body into whatever position I need to in order to make things exciting or make them work for me or my lover. I’m fun sized. Like the candy bar. 

 

I’m sexually liberated because I have trust. I have a committed relationship where I know my partner only has eyes and heart for me.

 

I wish Roger had wanted the same thing as me. But he didn’t and I have to stop punishing Icky because he chose her and not me. I should be so happy he did, because someone actually loves me now and it isn’t fair to him that my heart is otherwise occupied. 

 

I also acted hateful towards Vickie because it hurts me to hear her say she and Roger were/are having sex because he never wanted that with me. It hurt me that he wants her in that way but he didn’t want me in that way. I always felt like I was not enough.

 

But we were far apart, and I WASN’T enough and I understand THAT.

 

What I don’t understand is why one of us didn’t move closer to the other and make it a real thing so we could love each other openly. We should have blended families if we were really in love but maybe I was the only one really in love. 

 

I have to forgive him for not wanting that with me.

 

I have to find something to forgive him for so I can close the door to this pain and anguish I still feel without him. I have to close this door because after two years, I still laid in bed and stifled sobs last night, thinking about him and his health and mental well being. 

 

All I did by spouting hate was dredge up something painful for everyone involved. 

 

Now that I am aware that Roger reads his email, I won’t send any further messages. He doesn’t need to be reminded of something he would rather forget. He deserves to live in peace without me lashing out in anger at him. He deserves to be left in peace for his choices. 

 

It’s called free will.

 

It could start snowing any day now here in the Midwest.

 

When it does, it will rest on the ground like a frozen blanket. It will harden the lakes and rivers into glass. 

 

Maybe when the flurries start, I’ll go stand outside naked and let them pelt me. I will stand and cleanse my ugly soul that hurts others with words. 

 

And just maybe… if I stand there long enough…the icy flakes will be enough to permanently numb my broken fucking heart.