Hindsight

I just emerged from a long bath. It feels good to be clean. Every time I shower or bathe late at night, I am haunted by a memory.

I am very close to my two female cousins on my dad’s side. They are older than me by about seven yrs and ten years, respectively. They are the two daughters of the Aunt that I loved so much, the Aunt that passed away three years ago.

I am haunted by a story told to me by my Mom, the story of my cousin’s cries the night she frantically phoned my dad to tell him his sister had passed. It was the middle of the night. We had been taking turns staying with my aunt at her bedside but she was not expected to die the night she did and my cousin had the unfortunate experience of being there alone when it happened.

When we all got to the hospice house, my cousin was clearly in shock and she kept repeating the same thing. She said that my aunt asked the hospice nurse to let her take a bath or a shower right before she passed.

As she laid on her deathbed, all she wanted was to be clean.

That nurse did what my aunt asked and she wheeled her to the shower where she helped her wash her sick body for the last time.

When she came back to her bed, she had a smile on her face and she looked different. Softer. Smaller. Peaceful.

She looked at my cousin and my cousin asked, “how do you feel, Mom?”

To which my aunt replied, “I feel wonderful.”

And with that, she closed her eyes and never opened them again.

Her death taught me so much about life.

She never wavered in her love for me. She never shamed me or berated me or cast me aside like my parents did when I needed them most. She taught me about pride and why it was important to have some. She taught me that I possess inner strength I can call on.

I miss her so much and I feel alone without her. There is never a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and the physical ache in my heart never goes away.

I need her so much right now.

I feel broken and battered and scared and weak.

I feel tired and empty and alone.

I feel sick and wasted and unimportant and gullible and stupid.

But I am clean. And being clean makes me feel vulnerable. I’m sitting here in the dark with damp hair crying big fat tears, naked save for a t-shirt, and I feel like I don’t mean anything to anyone anymore. That’s a lot of “any’s.”

I’ve never been the woman that is protected by a man that loves her. I’m the one that is expected to be strong and forgiving and resilient and obedient. I’m expected to give more than I take and be happy with what I get for the sake of someone else’s fucking happiness and at the expense of my own.

Over and over my aunt tried to instill in me that I was the only one responsible for my life and that the only one I could depend on to look out for me was ME, and she urged me to practice self care and live a bit selfishly.

She wanted me to learn from her mistakes and never have to experience the pain of my own self destructive or careless actions. She wanted to save me from myself because she loved me, but she had to have known deep down that I had to make my own mistakes to gain the wisdom and confidence she had.

She hard core taught me how to be both the sexiest AND the classiest woman in the room and I’m so lucky to have had her for my example…right down to her secret show stopper for my uncle’s fancy business dinners….Creme de menthe cake made with liqueur and extra fancy shaved chocolate ribbons.

She gave me a love of books and she is the reason I tell my stories with a flourish and a twinkle in my eye. She preached the importance of education or skilled trades and making my own money.

So, when I take a shower before I lay down to sleep, I am struck with the realization that I know exactly how she felt when she died.

I know the physical sensation she felt right after the last water she’d ever feel washed over her skin.  I know the familiar sense of peaceful well being that soap and water brings.

I wish I knew what she was thinking, in her mind, before she closed her eyes.

Because then we will have shared one last secret.

The one person who would always love me and have only MY best interests at heart is gone forever.

What I did NOT know then was that I had just quite literally lost the ONLY person I would ever be able to trust.

I’m on my own.