Life of illusion

I would never hurt myself intentionally but the way I feel today, I understand those that do.

I’ve been crying since before I got out of bed this morning. I hurt from a place so deep that I fear my heart may be irrevocably altered.

I don’t understand why I have been crying since the day he called me from rehab, but I SO wish I could STOP.

I feel an overwhelming loss. There is a giant hole in me and I can’t fill it. I feel like I am finally dying and I welcome the relief. It’s never going to go away, this pain, and I am terrified that I am going to feel this way forever and if that’s the case, life doesn’t hold much beauty or purpose. It’s not even pretty anymore.

I have so much to be happy for.

But inside I’m dying from the loss of one person.

It hurts so much but I must face the facts.

The facts are he is staying in the horrible marriage that makes him sick and now he’s going to allow his wife to take control of his life for him. She’s going to convince him that his leaving her is what caused his problems rather than his addiction to drugs. She’s going to shame and scold him for what he’s done to keep him compliant. Her typical M.O.

And in the state he’s in, she will most likely regain control and the rest of his life will now be spent trying to make amends to her. He will be expected to make up for her “pain and suffering” she so loudly told me I was responsible for.

And we all know how that’s gonna pan out cuz there IS no making that bitch happy. She’s the biggest martyr I know. The ONLY reason she wants him well is because she wants him to get back to the business of taking care of HER.

She needs a victim.

I’m starting to think that once he sobered up, he decided she looked better than the life he was living and that he no longer wanted anything to do with anyone or anything BUT her in his quest for sobriety. She can put the pants on and run the show and he can just blindly obey and then it takes the heat off him to recover in any real way.

It will end up the same dynamic, with her being the overbearing mother and him the wayward boy. She will be calling every time she lets him out of the house and he’s not where she thinks he should be. Under her thumb once again, he will soon go back to his old coping skills of fucking around and it will start all over again. The deception. The excuses. The lies.

Yup. He’s gone. I have no way of contacting him and he doesn’t seem to have any need to contact me. I cannot contact him because his wife has threatened me within an inch of my life if I so much as even pick up the phone to text or call. And he knows this…so he is willingly making the choice to let me suffer with no word of his well being. He is willingly letting me go through every day in agony, wondering if he is sick or healthy.

He is absolutely fucking gone. Granted, I told his ass to kick rocks, but once he called me saying he was seeking treatment, I thought that my willingness to support him would render me worthy of some word on his progress. HE knows I love him and that this means everything to me…his health.

I know he’s sick and needs to concentrate on himself but this seems like the final kick in the gut. Re-abandonment.

Or maybe I’m just stupid. It is obvious he doesn’t want me anymore and he hasn’t for a year and a half yet here I am, crying on a Monday and feeling so empty inside that I have to remind myself to breathe.

I have to remind myself that he didn’t want me anymore. He had replaced me and the only reason he kept me hanging on was because the woman he chose to replace me with wasn’t who he thought she was. He was done with me way back then and I just didn’t want to accept it.

Now I have no choice.

With Vickie no longer in the picture, he chose the woman he has always loved and desired. His wife.

Now that she wants him, he no longer has a need for me. All he needed was her to want him, desire him, love him. I was just a fill in and now she wants to actually (finally) PLAY the lead role and act like a wife and give him the sex and affection he was missing.

I guess I should feel happy for him.

I should feel happy that he no longer has to fight for her to want him. After 25+ years, she finally does. And everything I was to him ceased to exist once she decided she wanted him.

I know I’m just feeling sorry for myself and that I need to suck it up and get on with my life and accept the choices he made. I need to put the ring he made me away for good so I don’t have a cruel reminder of what I lost every time I open my jewelry box to choose a piece to wear.

I can’t accept the loss. I can’t accept the emptiness.

I can’t accept knowing I wasn’t enough to keep the man I loved, even though I did everything I could to ensure he stayed, even compromising some of my own values. And he left me anyway.

Today is especially painful because it is my Roger’s birthday and I don’t know if he’s dead or alive. All I know is that my heart knows he’s hurting and struggling and I cannot hold him.

And even if I could, he might just push me away.

Maybe he’s happy and healthy.

Maybe she will make his favorite cake and buy him a small present that gives him hope for the future.

Maybe I will never see him again and maybe he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore.

All I know is that I cannot heal.

And if I cannot heal, that means I will stay in this miserable state forever.

Forever is a long ass time.

When you’re not even sure you can make it through TODAY.