What a fucking fool believes

Roger, even if you don’t ever read this or acknowledge that you read it, I have to write it down to get it out of my head so I can sleep. 

I’ve cried every day since Vickie first called me and I’m crying now. I don’t know if it will ever hurt less. Every day I wake up and it still hurts just as much as it did the day she called. Every day when I wake up, the first thought I have is of you and the next thought I have is if you’re waking up next to her and why you just stopped needing me. 

I feel so alone and like I’m in a bad dream. My heart longs for you and you could care less if you ever see me or touch me again it seems. You’re fine without me and it’s devastating. This whole mess happened two days before Christmas. It’s now the middle of February. I loved you for 15 years and in all this time you never once talked to me and apologized face to face. 15 years. I deserved at least that. Instead I got silence..

This letter isn’t to make you feel bad or guilty but rather it is what I need to do to try to heal a little bit. I don’t need to remind you that what you did was bad. I need to defend my broken ego and spirit. That’s what this is for. I need to say it and when you left, you silenced me and shut me out and I still feel like I lost my best friend and my daddy and my lover and my baby and my everything.

I found a “nuclear letter” that I had written you back before I knew about the drugs and Vickie. I recently read it and it was a letter outlining my suspicions and my gut feelings and it was so unbelievably accurate that it shocked even me. I was almost 100 percent right about everything I suspected.

I can’t explain to you how it feels with you gone. Everywhere I look there is a reminder of you. You were my everything. I am so lost. I lay awake and I wonder why you chose her over me when the shit hit the fan. When she outed you, you didn’t scramble to save our relationship. You let me go and you kept her and I knew then that you had given up on us, on me. In the end, I think you wanted all along to break up with me before you retired and to have a new lover in place before you let me go.

It doesn’t seem fair that I’m left alone and devastated while you sleep nights with Vickie D., wrapped around each other like you used to do to me. You don’t lay awake in the night, unblinking, eyes wide open, imagining the person you love the most, loving someone else. I didn’t stop loving you, so this seems like the most awful form of torture. I see her perched on your face naked and I see you doing to her what you did to me. I swear I thought it was sacred between us and special but now it feels like I was nothing, so easy to let go.

I imagine your blue eyes looking into her eyes and telling her you love her. I imagine you saying to her the things you said to me. I see you at your cottage and I see her in your car running errands with you and I see you playfully slapping her ass and calling her baby and loving her like I thought you loved me.

I hear you talking to her in your low sexy voice. I see you whispering in her ear and rubbing the small of her back as she lies next to you. I see you stopping at her apartment and I see her making you coffee and I want to die from the pain. How convenient that you keep her in a pumpkin shell like Peter Peter pumpkin eater, so you have access to her 24/7. I hear you tell her to “let it go” and I hear you tell her how sexy she looks in her dress. I see her working with you and eating dinner with you and being with you in your everyday life. Something I waited almost 15 years for and by the way, happy 15 year anniversary Jan 8. She’s now living the life I waited half my marriage of 30 years to do with you.

And Roger, it’s killing me and I don’t know why. I know I’m a good person and I know I loved you with all I had and I don’t understand how you could love me like you say you did and then do this. And you did it for so long. 

Baby…why?

I’ve asked that question a million times and I will never know the answer. Did I make you feel like less than a man with my sexual proclivities? Was I too fat? Too unattractive? Not smart enough? What was it about her that made me not valuable enough to protect and to keep.

After everything that has happened I keep going back to why are you still with her and the only answer I have is because even if you do love me, you love her more and she is who you choose to be with. Not me. How could you still be with someone that hurt Lori and me like she did? I know the answer. I just can’t accept it.

I am grappling most with the fact that you were able to turn your back on me and just walk away. Then to leave me so devastated, angry and bewildered for almost a month of silent indifference seems like the cruelest thing I’ve ever endured at the hands of anyone. It was life altering to have it happen by the hand of someone you thought was your greatest protector. 

When we talked on Monday, you brought her into the conversation as if SHE did this to us and not you. You speak about her as if she is the new Lori. You show her your gps and offer up excuses to prove to her I’m out of the picture and omg….my heart hurts. She’s most important now. That psycho bitch is number one after everything I gave you, you hurt me and kept HER. You lied about everything. It wasn’t plenty of fish where you met her. It wasn’t anything like you said and you tried to show me texts where you ditched her and told her you were in love with me and wanted to work on your relationship with me and all along you had no intention of leaving her. 

And the most hurtful thing you said to me the other day was this…

You said that now, some days, your relationship with her is touch and go. I wonder if you even realize you are talking about her as if you want me to sympathize with you because the woman you chose over me won’t believe you when you tell her you are not seeing me. Do you realize you are basically complaining to me that your new lover won’t do what I did and not throw it in your face that you were unfaithful to her? 

You let me hear voicemails where she is demanding you don’t ever see me or talk to me, demanding my name and she has you right by the balls and you are bitching to ME that she won’t be a good girlfriend and give you a pass. Do you even fucking realize how insensitive that is to me? I’m heartbroken for fucks sake and you are saying she’s a loose cannon and lamenting to me about how Lori wants rid of her too.

Roger is all this normal to you? The man I love would have been in that van on my proverbial doorstep and talking to me face to face…not letting months go by with total absence. That absence contradicts the love you say you feel for me. 

And why would you lower yourself to such a demanding, fuxked up, troubled person when you could have me? Why would you let her threaten me?

You are scrambling to keep her happy and you only called me on Monday to assuage your own guilt about how you treated me. If that wasn’t the reason then you would have been more sympathetic about my feelings when you were basically making me hear about your mistake in choosing her.

Nothing compares to a year of watching my value plummet. Nothing compares to being ignored and made to wait and go without seeing you, all the while knowing there was someone else.

Before you had Vickie, can you imagine how you would have felt if I just started phasing you out? How it would feel if I started experimenting with deadly street drugs and sleeping around with someone I was paying bills for and basically keeping on the side and moving into head position? All the while keeping you dangling, barely giving you any attention and seeing less and less of you? Can you imagine what it would feel like to have every phone call ignored and to get messages of affection clearly not meant for you but for another lover of mine?

Can you imagine waiting in a hotel parking lot to see you until 10:30 at night because you’re fighting with her to be allowed to leave to see me?

Do you know the pain of fighting for something you have no idea why you’re even losing because the person that once told you everything just suddenly and inexplicably shut you out, cut you off and abandoned you? 

In closing I want to tell you a few important things that I need to say.

I’m sorry for sending the pics of Donny. I am so hurt and jealous and feel so rejected that I did it to hurt you. And it did. 

I don’t love him. I mean nothing to him. He might have an attractive body but he’s nothing compared to you and I NEVER want you to feel like I feel right now because Roger, I don’t find ANYONE as handsome and powerful as you. Even in this state I’m in, I don’t want to hurt you. I am so hurt that you are touching and having sex with someone else that my heart is aching. I feel bad knowing she’s prettier and more lucrative than me. I’m so hurt that you just left when the going got tough. I can’t reconcile that with the man that used to refuse to let me hang up the phone and go to bed angry. My lover. My perverted darling playmate. It hurt so much that I allowed myself to lash out at you and make you feel insecure like I did. That’s not who I am and I don’t ever want to hurt you. I want to have the integrity to say I’m sorry for that Roger. I can’t get over the hurt of you staying with Vickie after all she did to you. Of you keeping me around until I caught you and then cruelly dumping me for her. 

I’m just so devastated by the changes that I don’t even know how to live. I’ve had dates with other men and I can’t even begin to concentrate and don’t even know why I’m doing it because I’m in no shape emotionally to be doing so. I think I just want comfort and validation so bad, but I won’t and have not found it with them. With strangers. I hurt so bad that I just want to be held and cared about but they don’t care about me. I cry all the way home and my stomach feels sick and my heart empty.

I drive and I think about how I’m in love with someone that was loving someone other than me and I was too weak and stupid to call your bluff and leave you…and you let her win in the end. You rewarded her bad behavior and stayed with her and punished me for all the years of love I gave you. 

I will never understand and I’m starting to think I’ll never recover. I ache for the same man that hurt me. That bitch had the nerve to say “idk about your emotional state but mine is horrible”. Bitch, you had him 2 years and I had him 15 years. How the FUCK do you THINK my emotional state is and how dare you talk down to me. Vicious little cunt, how do you think I feel!?? 

And you LOVE her?!?!

In the end, you chose a drug addicted, broke, dependent, volatile, mentally ill, unstable woman you have to babysit over me. Just like the one you were trying to leave. You downgraded rather than make me legit. 

It makes me feel so worthless and bad.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone that wants to be with just me. I don’t think I’m gonna find that before I die. 

The men that want me? They don’t care about me. They care about the wife that won’t fuck them or the girlfriend that makes them feel good about themselves, the real girlfriend like what Donny has. I’m the kinky secret. 

Seems like I’m that attractive nuisance you once spoke of. I’m sexy and fun and I’m tempting…but I’m not wife or girlfriend material for some reason I have yet to figure out. They have committments to the women they love, the crazy violent ones that keep things exciting and want sex with me and then to forget about me or up and replace me. Like I have no substance. 

Not happening. 

Those men won’t hold me and if they did, it would be weird anyways cuz they don’t love me so I won’t ask.

The kind of men that want me can only see me at 10:00 a.m. weekdays and they wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire. They don’t even ask what my name is unless they think they have to pretend like they want a relationship with me to get sex. 

I’m not getting as lucky as Vickie, finding a lover, free housing, cigarettes employment, a companion and drugs all in one. I’m not getting lucky enough to get a man so crazy for me that he leaves a wife and a long term lover.

I know now that I was expensive, too. How? Cuz nobody else will do what you did and pay to see me every week, except Donny. I care for Donny but I don’t love him enough to let him live in a house I own. I don’t see him every day and stop in to visit and get oral sex. So….not even close.

You ended up being right in the end. You really were the only one willing to do that for me. The man that cheated and lied to me for a couple years and had three other affairs (that I know of) is the only man that will treat me good.

I guess that says more bad about me than you, huh?

Sorry this is so long but I feel like you left me with no closure. I have never felt this kind of rejection and I am sorry I didn’t handle it well but when you ignored me, I lost all sanity cuz it hurt so much and I said things and did things I regret. 

I knew you were not planning on trying to save is when you didn’t seem at all concerned with me running around single while you sort.your life out. You’re willing to take the chance of losing me,.just like you let Donny’s fox ass into the hen house. You don’t seem affected that I’ve chosen to try to find some form of comfort from someone else. Never would you have just given up and handed me over to the wolves before Vickie came along.

I sent that picture of Donny to her because I KNEW it was the foolproof way to get you to see it. I knew she would put it in your face because she’s fucked up and doesn’t love you. She’s looking to hurt me, too, and you want to give her the name of a dead person and tell her it’s me so she will be appeased, and you can have a relationship with her and not have her worrying about the threat of me. You want to conveniently make me DEAD so you can get me out of your new relationship.

It honestly took me this long to stop waiting for your call every day telling me you’ll do whatever it takes to make it right. I just yesterday realized that Instead you made excuses like you’re not right and you can’t get rid of her cuz of covid money and jobs and her housing. Excuses.

Then it dawned on me….you’re not calling and promising all that because you DON’T want me back.

And now I feel not only stupid but humiliated and I won’t continue to beg and plead and check my phone constantly for your ephinany text.

You’re gone and you ain’t planning on returning. I just want you to know that I didn’t choose to leave you, therefore I have not stopped loving you. I have no further need to punish you or rub your face in anything. I won’t ever call you names. Just know I want you to stop doing drugs and turn this around while you still have a chance at a healthy life away from a bad marriage. Wait and find someone better than her. Be strong. 

I don’t hate you, Baby. I love you. Stop what you’re doing before it kills you. 

You have thrown it all away. I would have bet my life on you doing anything you had to to keep me with you. 

Good thing I didn’t.

I’d be one dead motherfucker.