Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?

I’m afraid.

I’ve been perpetually afraid that this day would come and even more afraid it would destroy me when it did.

But here I am, very much alive. I am not dead but instead I am reeling from the pain of abandonment and indeed, frozen by a strange new fear.

I have not known anything but Roger for 14 years.

I was 40 years old, lonely as fuck, and petrified when I ventured out onto the married “dating” website, and he was quick to strike.

He gave me the attention I was missing and soon the desire to meet him in real life won out over sensibility and what followed was the greatest love affair of my life, lasting well beyond most marriages.

I clung to him for years as if he were the only thing giving me life and maybe he was, cuz without him I feel like I’m dying.

I begged him not to cheat again and I told him that I could only swallow my pride once, but I could not face a life without him in it, and I promptly forgave him.

Then came the second time.

And now the third.

Today, there is but one tiny shred of my dignity left for me to reclaim.

The greatest love of my life called my bluff. He challenged me to make good on the ultimatum I gave him.

I was angry, and admonished him by saying HE lost the best thing he had going for him. Now that I think about it, it’s ME that walks away defeated. He has someone to love him. He has someone that wants him. He feels adored and his pride is intact. He never missed a beat and his heart has no burden, nor does he have to give me the gift of his remorse.

Without him I’m vulnerable. But he doesn’t want me anymore. He’s no longer the keeper of my heart. He threw it back into the discard pile because it’s value didn’t contribute to his winning hand. His best value is the woman closer to him and cheaper to maintain. She’s his ace in the hole.

In short, he lied when he said I was irreplaceable.

And I deserve every ounce of the pain I’m feeling for allowing myself to believe him. But every girl wants to believe she is special to one man, more valuable than all the others and enough to make him stop searching for something better.

I feel like I’m lost and I can’t go home because home is gone forever. The big bad wolf blew it down and she’s sucking my lover’s dick and he’s letting her. He puts his face in her pussy and he breathes her in and she turns him on like I cannot and it hurts so bad it feels like an actual weight on my chest.

He called me his baby. I thought that meant he cherished me, yet it is him that has hurt me so deeply. I am left feeling so confused.

I don’t want him to go away and leave me alone, but now I’m out of choices. He made the choice for both him AND I. I still can’t believe he chose this. My heart cannot accept it. I am unlovable.

I don’t want to close my eyes and sleep because I am afraid of the feeling I know awaits me when I wake up.

For a split second I will feel joy and then the realization that he is gone will come flooding back and my memory will be cruelly refreshed.

I don’t understand how he could call me his lover and touch me with a mouth that loves another woman’s body.

I have never been so afraid in my whole 54 years.

Everything that grounded me has fallen from beneath my feet.

I feel like the earth is about to open her mouth and swallow me whole and my lover won’t be there to keep me from her grasp.

Instead he will look upon me with a face full of betrayal and at the moment of my death he will laugh at me for being the foolish girl I am. I will have maybe thirty seconds of harsh realization before it’s over but maybe that’s the best I can hope for in terms of mercy.

I know the rule when giving someone an ultimatum is that you have to be prepared to lose.

I gambled on the belief that the fear of losing me was enough to make my lover faithful. I had to put my money where my mouth is and now I’m scared as fuck.

I hope his decision was the right one for him even though it left me afraid and in the dark.

Because fear is temporary.

But regret is forever.