Holy Water

Throughout my childhood, my grandma’s house was my sanctuary.  

Grandma’s house is where I felt most loved. Being born to her 16 year old daughter ensured my grandma’s constant presence in my life and there was nobody that loved me more than she did.

And I knew it.

Whenever I felt bad about life, or my feelings were hurt or my parents didn’t understand me or my boyfriend broke up with me…I went to grandma and she put her arms around me and told me I was good and everything was right again.

Even more special than grandma’s house was her cabin at the lake, and when summer rolled around it was like salve to a wounded soul. The sun would shine on your face and the warm water held you like a lover.

Now my heart is mangled and my grandma is gone and there is nowhere to run except the lake, the only part I have left of her. It is the last place on earth where I can be close to her. I miss her so much right now. I just need someone to love me.

The man I have loved for a thousand years chose someone else. He chose her knowing that if he got caught he would never see me again. So today, I learned of my value to him, or lack thereof, and this time I cannot look the other way.

And I can’t decide if my heart is on fire with rage or dead at the hand of betrayal.

I just know that this is where I need to be for the next few days, or maybe longer. I don’t want to be me right now. I don’t want to be in my own skin. I want to be in anyone else’s reality besides my own, even though I am well aware there are far worse fates than betrayal.

When I am here alone at the cottage, I am not afraid. I have never been afraid. I am surrounded by pictures of the people that I am part of. The ones that brought me into this world and the ones I will be reunited with in the end, if you believe in fairy tales.

My husband didn’t look surprised when I packed a bag and told him I was heading here. He looked startled, but not surprised.

I got here in the middle of the night, and now I sit in the dark waiting for daylight to come so the sun can shine on my face and I can cry as much as I want.

The lake can absorb a thousand tears.

I wonder what would happen if I drifted on a raft until the sun burned me into nothingness.

I bet even then I would still feel the sick pain of failure and smell the stench of inferiority.

What will happen now that my worst fears have come true?

I think it means that there is nothing left to fear. Maybe that’s a good thing.

Just a few more hours till salvation comes over the horizon.

They say it’s darkest before the dawn and dawn’s still three hours away. I am anxious to be outside.

The sun is all I have left.

Because what used to light up my world is gone.