the air that i breathe

i met her 31 years ago.

we were young and stupid and had no idea what a real relationship was and for the first seven years we cheated. She with her ex then me with some rando and so on…

seven years into our relationship, she went to my home town to sleep with my brother but got introduced to a carny from new york who locked her in a u haul trailer and for 10 hours beat and raped her, he wrapped an extension cord around her neck and pushed her face into a box of teddy beaqrs and came within one breath of killing her…

she stood at my door as 7:35 a.m. and calmly announced that she was raped…

our relationship settled down a little, she got drunk and stayed that way, i got sober and tried to remain faithful, old tricks die hard. She would cheat and i would retaliate in kind…

3 years ago, she got cancer, a full hysterectomy and chemo with radiation…

i bought her a wig that looked like her old hair, helped her to stay together with her boyfriend, then helped to to break up with him and then again helped her to get back together with him…

last night i spent 6 hours in the e.r. with her because she was not well. it seems she has a blockage in her colon. their going to do a colonoscopy and a biopsy to find out what it is…

no matter how wrong she is for me, no matter how many others have slept in our bed, no matter how much i wish i could feel something othr than apathy for my wife, she is the air that i breathe and my life without her would be meaningless…

i hear the word biopsy and i hear terminal cancer, my hands shake and i get a deep pressure in my chest as my knees turn to jelly and i get ever so slightly misty…

i hate her, i love her, i need her…

i am such a doormat…