yesterday

in 2 days it will be the three year anniversary of my mothers death.

i find it odd that i cant bring myself to feel anything about it.

we, her and i, had a very bad relationship. She was manipulative and brooding, self oriented and cruel.

after her stroke and decent into madness i tried my best to make amends to her, to try and patch up the rotten hull of our relationship and i think it may have worked but i really dont know.

i stood out on my deck for a minute to watch as my neighbors went about their little affairs, alive and living at 12:35 in the morning and thought to myself… how i hate the idea of being trapped in my home and bored off my ass.

i work 3rd shift 6 days a week and with the one day i have off, i spend it trying not to wake my wife and sons as i look for something to fill the nght so i wont fall asleep and off schedule…

my head spins around one thought…
you were meant for more than this.

i always have been and still i let my fear of success keep me from my greatness.

i wish i had more time.

i wish i had more sense.

i wish i hadnt let my sex drive be beaten out of me by a sorely self indulgent wife.

i wish i had the courage to leave.

i wish i didnt feel so obligated to a marriage that has always been about abuse on both sides.

i wish i had been smart.

i wish i had… more time…

i want a do over…

my head is screaming like a small spoiled child standing in the rain, screaming “NO FAIR!”

my soul stomps its feet as i set stoic on my forklift repeating the same tasks that i am doomed to repeat until i die.

i want more for me…

i want something for me…

anything beyond the knowledge that i have far too many yesterdays and not enough tomorrows…