I am officially addicted to a stupid game on my phone that I downloaded to pass the time. I’ve been playing Game of Sultans for almost a year, and I now have 3 accounts. Why? I’m too invested, ha! I guess it’s something to focus on when the real world gets too crazy. Better than the self destructive habits of the past. I’m trying so hard not to fall into old habits. I’ve gone back to smoking e-cigs. Vape pens? Whatever they’re called. It’s probably far worse than cigarettes since I’m constantly smoking instead of just when I’m drinking. On the plus side, I’m not really drinking much anymore. I’ve been really struggling with my weight and not diving head first back into disordered eating. God it’s hard! I know what foods are healthy, but I have no clue what a portion size is. Like, I can read about it all day, but I grew up with the “eat everything on your plate” rule, with no guidance as to how much that really should be. Then I swung between eating half of the recommended serving size because, “Who eats that much?” and binging until I had to choice but to puke. I don’t know how much I really am supposed to eat. I just eat a little, see how I feel and go from there, but when you’re mind is broken that’s really hard. I do think I’m handling it ok though. I’m fighting it. I’m also somewhat struggling with anxiety. Not as bad as I used to, but small things are really triggering right now. Like, I’m 30, which is almost half of my mom’s age when she died. That terrifies me and some days it’s all I think about. Another thing is money, always effing money. We’re much better off than we ever were, but we’re still pretty much paycheck to paycheck. I work like crazy to make sure we never have to worry, but Darryl has missed a little bit of work. Mostly for things like mental health or whatever. Like last night he pulled his back and now he’s on light duty. Fine, but that cuts his paycheck more than in half. And it wound up being muscle spams from moving the wrong way. Meanwhile I have a pinched nerve that I just pop ibuprofen and keep going with. Same with the mental health stuff. Right before Irma hit he went to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. They admitted him, which I get but damn, I was by myself with two kids, first time in our own home facing a massive hurricane while working 40 plus hours. It was honestly terrifying for me and I still kind of have resentment about it because I’ve always just sucked it up. I know it’s not fair at all to ask someone to do the same, but I’ve always felt like I had no choice but to and it just, it’s a little infuriating when I feel like I’m forcing myself along when nobody else will do the same for me. Sorry about the rant, I just don’t ever feel like I can say anything, because that’s kind of assholeish. I don’t know. I just feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes and even though I have a partner, its like I’m still carrying the brunt of it. Anyway, enough vulnerablility. I need to get this little human to sleep so I can get some sleep. Gotta be up at like 4:30 since light duty means Darryl’s working mornings until the doctor lets him go back to full duty. At least I’ll be saving on gas this week. Haha! Goodnight everyone.

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