8. Follow up and my next steps

Follow up to my last post. I talked to that ex and it wasn’t as fulfilling of a conversation as I was hoping, as very little insight was provided because it’s been so long. But it’s okay. I’m still focusing on NOW. His wifey was telling me to stop “beating myself up” about the past but I’m not. I’m evaluating it to try to learn from it. I mean I beat myself up too but that’s not what that is. I did get a chance to apologize to him which I never actually did beyond a quick “sorry about that”- which I meant, but never went into depth about it. On one hand I figured that maybe it wasn’t too bad if we don’t remember it, and to quote him “I mean it couldn’t have been all that bad if we’re still friends. You were just a bitch. But all you women are bitches.”

I’m going to let all of that go now though. I explained to him I was just bored and trying to sabotage the relationship instead of just ending it like a fucking adult. And now I can move on from that.

Unrelated. Yet also related. I definitely have some problems that need to be addressed. I started giving real consideration to checking myself into an intensive out patient program recently. I see a therapist once a week and I take Effexor, but I had a… moment… that lasted several days… but in those days, I was made painfully aware of just how unhappy I am. I hate using the word “depressed” even though that’s literally what it is… but it needs attention.

I don’t want to go into details about this, as I still haven’t broken myself past that stigma (although I’m working on that too, for everyone else though) because I’ve gjven the link to this page to a lot of friends, but this was truly eye opening for me  I had a few days where I felt kinda great because of a dumb decision I made. I was grieving over my relationship, and it hurt, but I was also experiencing a “lightness” that I’d never experienced before regarding everything else. That feeling has stuck with me, I’ve thought about it every day since it went away. It went away when it was discovered that things wouldn’t be going according to my plan, and the same heavy feeling that I feel every day of my life came rushing back to me. Except this time it felt heavier just in comparison, because I’d gotten to experience what it felt like to NOT feel that way for a few days. That super “light” feeling I had for those days was almost addictive because ive been obsessed with it since then.

unfortunately, the only way I know to feel that way again, isn’t good. I’m sorry for being vague and cryptic, I’m just trying to explain how I got to the decision to seek out more intensive help.

I have a friend (who also has this link…. Sup gurl??) who did a program like what I’m thinking of, so tomorrow I’m going to ask her about it, and see if it was of any use to her. I think I need more than therapy once a week though. This funk I’m in is really bad. Like REALLY bad. It’s not manifesting itself the way it usually does, but circumstances are different now than they usually are.

but I really need help. More than what I have right now. I don’t know if that help is more/different meds or more therapy or a fucking lobotomy, but I feel like it’s urgent. Not that I’m in crisis or horribly upset, in fact today I’m in a pretty great mood, but overall, looking at the state of my mental health from the outside, I think it really needs to be addressed, very fast.

more on this later, after sorting that out.

thats all