how many ways can someone be torn?

 Before i start this entry let me give u a some background on a couple that is friends to us. They were stationed with my husband and had two kids as so did we.   me and the wife found out together that we were pregnant at the same time.. she lost hers to a miscarriage a few weeks into the pregnancy and i lost mine 20 days after she was born.    Well my husband lovely announced… guess whos pregnant again… im like.. nooooo way shes not is she..   so this will be there 5th child now.  

On top of that.. my brother and sister in law will be having there baby this thursday.. there first child.  me and my sister in law were pregnant at the same time too.   Only this thursday is my first angels birthday.. i had her by c section… and now my sister in law is having a scheduled c section because her baby is breeched.. as was my daughter.   how the heck am i suppose to feel right now.. really? i dont know.. im soo happy that im getting a niece.. soo scared for them that things are exactly like what happened to me.  so envoius jellious sad.. heartbroken… my head is a mess!    i gave her all of my baby stuff from my son.  his room theme was monkeys and my sister in law choose monkeys so everything went with what she had..    they have pictures of the babys room and it just broke me out in tears seeing all of my sons baby things that never got to be used.     this month he would have been 6th months old.. i cant even belive it

Why? i mean things happen in life that you cant control but why do i have to continue to suffer?  it hurts so bad that all i want is one more child and i cant have that but everyone in my life around me can and will continue to live there lifes  being happy married and making babies like people are suppose to do

my heart hurts!