One thing I’ve read in The Upward Spiral about breaking the cycle of depression is to find things to get excited about. This is one of the single most powerful things I’ve discovered on my journey with all this bullshit. I feel like I’m waking up.
Right now, I get excited about the littlest things, because they are tenable and close to me—watching my wildflowers bloom, buying a new blanket, processing a very large deposit at work and being busy, eating the bundle of Cadbury eggs I bought yesterday, bingeing tv shows while I work, working on my diamond painting—all of these are stupid for the most part, and have very small effects on my life, but being excited about little things has compiled sweet moments of joy into my mindspace that are accessible at any time.
I’m seeing myself fall back into the hole, into the darkness and the cycle of worthlessness, meaninglessness, and oblivion, and I am not going to allow it. The weather has warmed up so I’m going to start cycling or running. My husband may get a job offer from an IT position soon, which would make his schedule almost identical to mine for the first time since we had R in 2017. If that happens, my entire world will shift into the net positive, and so many things will change for the better. I cannot even fathom the relief that could bring me, and I teeter on the edge of excitement at the potentiality and reservedness due to the perpetual letdowns this road has brought us for years. So we’ll see.