Rollercoaster

It’s August. It’s not as hot anymore thank fuck.

My emotions have been all over the place. I’m starting to think my bipolar is getting worse, maybe my tablets aren’t working anymore? Maybe I should ask to up them but then they’ll make me even more tired, being tired only makes me frustrated and more depressed. A vicious circle.

I have had a good few days. It was my child’s birthday and they were so well behaved, so happy that it filled my heart with sunshine, which is amazing after it being so dark for so long.

Now the celebrations are over now I can feel the darkness crawling back in and I’m scared. I hate being that down, I’m horrible to be around.

I feel huge at the moment as well. I’ve piled the weight on in the last year and I’ve fallen off my diet recently and my stomach is a ball. I look pregnant and I’m deff not. I’m so ashamed of myself. I hide in baggy clothes and I don’t want anyone to look at me. Not that they would.

My partner is hinting they want more intimacy but I have no sex drive most of the time, my tablets have pretty much killed the ability to cum and the mix of feelings fat and tired. Having sex is not on my list of things I want to do.

I just want to sleep 24/7 and eat apparently.

Cosmic soul is all good, they said their shift at work might change. I know if it changes we won’t be able to talk as much. I wouldn’t say anything about it though to them. I’m not that much of an arsehole.