The first day
The first day
It’s the middle of June. We’re stuck in a disgusting heat wave. My bipolar is kicking my arse, the darkness seems never ending, sometimes I find a light but there is none at the moment. Even with all this sun, I see no sunshine.
I’m hoping this journal will help my muddled thoughts that I hide from my loved ones. For fuck sake I pretty much hide them from myself so why not write them for the world to see? Makes no sense really does it? But when did life ever make sense?
I won’t always be an oh woe is me person. Just wait to that mania kicks in. Then I’m fun as hell. For a fleeting moment before the vines of depression creep back in. Until they find their way into my mouth and back into my heart.
My heart of vines is an over grown garden no one dares tend to. Why bother when you’ve tried to help someone but they just keep being over grown?
Anywayyyyy enough of that. What’s life without a little depression to Make everyone else feel real good about their own sad little lives?
I’m nearly fucking 40 why haven’t I got over this yet? Why is the one thing that feels like a heavy stone around my neck still there? Why can’t I let it go? I have a nice house, a child, a partner, a good family and lovely friends. Yet there is one major thing that screams at me, one major life event that no matter how much therapy, soul searching or blanking it out that won’t heal.
I’ll mention this thing a lot. Even I get bored of it but here it goes.
It was a person, a soul, a heart so made for mine that I used to think it could tear the world in two. I know that sounds extreme but honestly when you find that one soul that was made for your own, but was torn apart before you were even out the womb. You’d see it felt the same way.
The crazy thing is, I’ve never even met this soul in person, it was all done online for like what is it now….20 years? How can you not bare soul bare when all you have is talking. Facetiming and phone calls daily. I loved them straight away I’m pretty sure of it, the minute I saw them my soul recognized them as it’s own.
They didn’t show they felt that way to me until it was too late, until I was promised to someone else. The someone else I am with now and don’t get me wrong. I very very very much love my partner there is no denying that. I don’t believe I made the wrong choice as such. Though when your family are screaming at you not to be stupid, that the one you haven’t met is lying and they’re still in the depths of their addiction. I felt very swayed.
I still believe this was the right choice for me, I have a good life, I have a child who my whole universe is about. I would die for my child, I would kill for my child. I love them more than anything in the nine worlds.
But I feel my choice of partner was taken away from me in a horrible moment. Maybe this choice was best for me and the the unmet soul. Maybe I’ll call them that. Tho I’m not keen, is it wrong to call them a cosmic soul. Meh the rest of this is over the top anyway. Cosmic soul it is!
We spent a long time apart, not being able to speak and I can honestly say the pain felt like an actual knife in my heart. Most days I secretly cried, in a ball on my bathroom floor trying to hold it together, every single day I thought about that cosmic soul. I would try and send thoughts to them, is that mental? Yeah it’s mental. No wonder I have to stay anonymous!
When we finally got back in touch we were both in a veryyyyy bad place. I said things I certainly regret and I hope the cosmic soul has some regrets of things said.
Anyway we talk again now, both kinda accepting that what was said can’t be undone. But fuck me I miss the connection we had. They’re very closed off to me and I 100% get that, I broke their heart it’s what I deserve but I want to scream. At myself, at them, at the universe who made a perfect person for me and then separated us by a fucking ocean! How is that so cruel? What did I do that I don’t deserve happiness? What have I done that my heart will forever remain broken, that I’ll die with regrets. That if I ever get dementia I’ll mutter their name and my own family will be confused or shocked. I don’t have to worry I’ll ever forget this person because how can you forget your own heartbeat?
I love them, I love them, I love them, I love them. I can never say it out loud to anyone so this is my confession.
I love you so much.