Adderall, et al

When it kicks in I feel calm. I can feel when it wears off. I start eating mindlessly again. I can’t say that I have that “laser focus” I have heard others report having. I wish I did. Maybe I need a higher dose. This is my first go with it. ~~~Have not heard the results of my skin biopsy from last week. Most of me thinks it will be nothing at all. Part of me is has a nagging feeling it is not normal – only based on my family history. But I’m not obsessing over it. Just wanted to write it down.~~~Saw a post from a friend of my sister. Her brother took his own life 5 years ago. These things seen to have more of an effect on me as I get older. Am I more compassionate now? Yes, I believe that is part of it. Losing a loved one has that effect.~~~I am currently reading a book that is somewhat violent. It is a book club pick – not my choice. In the book women are the central focus. As women, I believe we are generally the more peaceful of the sexes. Generally. This book is about women in power – women taking power over the world. I’m for that. But the violent methods do not sit well with me. Again – is it my age? Is it life experience? Is it the latest school massacre? All of the above.~~~I thought of my sister this morning on my drive in. When I think of her I feel the softest ever white blanket quietly and gently envelope me, making me feel lighter than air. That is what she is to me now. I asked for her guidance. I haven’t meditated on her in a while. I think of her always. But I haven’t really focused on her lately. I think of her kids often and wish that I were closer to them. I am geographically removed and I don’t like talking on the phone. I have not been able to build a solid relationship with them. Makes me sad.