head dump
It’s four AM, I’ve basically not slept tonight… I had a nap in the early evening because of a headache/migraine, and then made the mistake of drinking some tea knowing that I was risking the sleeplessness for the hope that the caffeine would help with the headache.
The headache is mostly gone, but I’m wide awake. I finished the book I started this morning and now I’m here, while trying to finish up an email to my boss, that I will eventually send (at a reasonable hour) once I figure out the wording.
I’m trying to find a way to let her know that I’m running out of work and I’m feeling guilty about being considered essential services when I’m basically doing paperwork and phone calls for research protocols. I’ve basically resolved all the major stuff, and there is not enough left to justify my working a full time position and getting paid off the research funds. I’m having the hardest time writing this because I don’t want to whine and complain about having a job right now, but I’m feeling incredibly useless when I could be doing something. Part of me is afraid that I’ll just be put on clinical follow-ups for the lipid clinic, which is about the worse possible option for me. I don’t want to spend the day on the phone and typing up electronic notes. I used to be an ER nurse, there has to be more I could be doing. I don’t even know where to start with this… but it’s part of what’s keeping me awake I think.
Every day is the same, one day seems indistinguishable from the other. I spread out various tasks on different days just so I can feel like I did different things during the day. I have this constant feeling of uselessness. P says that his job feels non-essential too, but we’re in such different fields. He doesn’t have training to be on the front lines, so he can’t feel guilty about not being there. Is it selfish to both want to be helping but afraid of what exactly that would entail?
I’m lacking in any sort of motivation at this point. I’ve always been the type that the more I had to do, the more I got done. This not having anything to do thing, it’s throwing me for a loop. I don’t know how to manage it. I’m not ok, and I don’t know how to let people know I’m not ok because I don’t even know how exactly I’m not ok. Granted, anyone awake at 4 am for no reason is probably going to feel not ok…
Seriously, another month of this, of every day bleeding in the next. Where the only difference between a weekday and a weekend is the time I wake up and the breakfast I eat? I am incredibly thankful that P is here with me, I don’t think I could have lasted this long if I’d been alone with my cat… I would definitely have lost it, and yet sometimes, I just wish he would take a long walk… but I don’t like being alone either. Right now he’s sleeping and I kind of want to wake him up just to have someone give me a hug.
I want to jump in a pool, or a lake… something bigger than my damn bathtub. I wish I was a runner, because that seems to be the only sport that you can still do out there.
Maybe I should make a schedule, have specific things that I could do on a given day, just to give it some structure and not have every day be like the one before it…
It’s Easter this weekend, I have both Friday and Monday off, P has Friday. Not sure what we’ll do. We should do something, if only to break the monotony. I’m sick of computer screens, and yet that seems to be what’s left.