Aftermath

D’oh, it’s been too long since an update. But hey, it’s not my fault, no inter-web, yo. We still have yet to get it since moving, because all we can get is cable, and that’s ridiculously expensive. Who knows how long we’ll be there, mom doesn’t seem to want to stay there, she wants to move back to the old house, but only until it’s sold…foolishness.

Well, I don’t have a job, which makes the previous entries’ rantings seem trivial. I got moved to second shift, which I was cool with, until I actually worked a couple days of it. Freakin’ boring! I was on assembly, doing the same repetitive task, with no one talking, and time crawling by. I couldn’t stand the monotony. I took that Wednesday off for my birthday, and decided to quit. I didn’t end up calling them to tell them such, so that bridge is irreversably burned. Oh wel. Anyways, I had the feeling that everything would be OK. I’d never felt so inspired.

Several days later, that motivation totally disappeared. I’d never felt that content, and I keep hoping for it to hit me again. Maybe it was just enough to set me on this path. I have yet to find another job, but I realized how content I’d becoem with that sort of life. Accepting the limitations of everything, and working for the weekends. When all along, I’d been motivated by being unhappy and not living for the weekends, but whatever time in the future when I’d have a successful band. I had money, and thus the means, but no motivation. Now I have motivation, but no means to get anywhere. My bank accounts are KOed, though I did replenish a little via temp. work last week. It’s fine. Things suck, but this needed to happen, to set me straight. I’ve been writing songs left and right again, thinking more and more about the band…though I haven’t picked up my guitar again yet. Oh well, a little at a time, I suppose.

Obviously, being a bum has given me a lot of time, and most of it has went to thinking. I’ve realized that I used to be so hung up on things working out a certain way. I’ve been freaking out about still being here in Hillsdale, because ideally I was supposed to be gone by now. So I felt like I’d missed my chance. I figure I just got bumped onto an alternate path, that’s all. I never would have met Will and co., who I hang out with a ton now. I might be moving in with them once I get a job, so we can all share the burden of paying for the house and such once his mom moves out. Will and Ross have also expressed interest in helping with the band, at least for a little while. I guess I won’t know if it’ll be backed up or not until Matt gets back. I’m a little more fine with waiting now.

Nothing more ever happened with Toni #2, which is fine. As much as I want to justify and beautify it, it was just boinking. Yeah, no-strings are nice, but at the end of the day, that’s not what I want. I want a relationship, love and all that good stuff. Weed, booze, I guess it’s nice, and it helps bond you with your friends, but all of this stuff isn’t really for me. I’ve been shying away from it, eventually I won’t need it at all. I’m starting to regain my pride, methinks, regress a little. I suppose I’ve had several epiphanies lately, and that was one, that I’ve had no pride for who knows how long. I quit my first job because they were assholes to me and spit upon the five months of dedicated work I’d put in. I still had my pride. I got so desperate since I couldn’t find a job I even ended up re-applying there later on. Pride doesn’t get you money. Maybe that’s why I fell into that crappy vaccum job and believed it last year. But when you’ve got no money, you realize how nifty pride is. Even when you have nothing else, you’ve still got that to count on and motivate you. So I’m starting to feel that again, slowly.

I also keep thinking about someone I used to think about way back when all the time…I actually met her on this site, right at the end of the summer of ’02. Terra, or Kitty as she prefers to be called…I spazzed out about it then because w ecouldn’t actually be together. Then afterwards I felt so bad, because I ruined it and probably caused her a great deal of sadness. Things haven’t been quite the same since. Then I kinda gave up on it. And later I wondered if I only wanted her so much because I never had luck with anyone around here. Screw long-distance, it’s always better to have someone you can have NOW. Or so I thought. Now I realize, as much as I’m like my friends, and people around here, moreso than I used to think, I’m still different. I don’t want sex, sex, sex, and any sort of mindless fun. I want something deeper. And now that I realize that things don’t always happen the first time, it kinda gives me hope. Yeah, we’re not the same people anymore…but that’s cool. We’re better. She thinks for herself now, she’s alternative, found her niche. Me? I’d like to think I’m a little more focused and not nearly as whiny. It’s kind of cool to watch someone change and evolve like that. And yeah, I haven’t talked to her in on AIM in who knows how long, and it’s impossible to right now…but that will change eventually. Distance isn’t the obstacle it used to be. Heck, I’ve had two friends I know on the ‘net fall in love and meet up with each other. It didn’t last like I thought it would, but still, it dispells the doubts I’ve built up. If I can get close again and win her over, cool. If I can’t, I’ll find someone else. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot lately, and it makes me happy, so…cool beans.

Things are possibly worse than ever, but I know they’ll get better, so I’m not doing too badly. I see that things aren’t going so well for Tammy and Toni #1, which totally sucks. I wish I could like, be on AIM or the phone or whatever to lend a ranting in ear in hopes that you’ll feel better, but I know my OD buddies will manage. Life’s a rollercoaster, it seems like all of my friends are never going up at the same time, but if we all were, maybe we’d take things for granted, or some overly hypothetical crap like that. Anyways, I hope your relationship woes and various bodily ailments get fixed soon.

That’s enough ranting for now, guess I’d better end and save this before the ‘net on Will’s phone goes out like it always does. Stay sane you guys, see ya later.