Day 14

I am still without a cigarette.

Just so you know: I am using the nicotine patch, so the physical part of my addiction will be dealt with in gradual steps. I will have two more weeks at the strongest dose (21 mg/day); then two weeks at the next level (14 mg/day); then two weeks at the last level (7 mg/day). This is because whenever I have tried to go “cold turkey” (poor turkey) I have wound up rather pathetically in a fetal position, unable to do anything; unable to sleep; really, in order to do that I would need to be completely left alone for 72 hours with no obligations of any kind. My life just can’t seem to afford me that at this time. Anyway, I know myself enough to know that I have a greater possibility of doing this with NRT than without it. That’s just me. And part of this is because …

I am deeply psychologically addicted to smoking cigarettes. Very. This I know. And the thing about smoking for me is that it has been, for well over half my life, a very large part of how that life was shaped, from the moment I awoke till bedtime; and if I woke up too much in the middle of the night, then too. I hate that fact. In fact, it is the control cigarettes have held over me that is one of the things I resent most about smoking.

Then there is the reasoning that might seem petty to some, but it works for me. First, I am sick and tired of going to the doctor because I am feeling lousy only to be told … inevitably … that as long as I smoke I am more likely to experience *fill in health concern/symptom here* because smokers just are more likely to etc. etc. Second, and something that really preys on my mind: I don’t want to wind up with any of the conditions or illnesses attributed to smoking (emphysema, lung cancer, other forms of cancer, etc. etc.) and know I have that disease because I wasn’t able to quit smoking. Oh … I don’t kid myself that I will ever be out of the woods as far as smoking; I will only ever be a nonsmoker on a one day at a time basis. In spite of all the intellectual knowledge I have, in spite of lots of stuff, I will never be cured of my addiction to cigarette smoking. (Which is more than nicotine addiction; remember, that stuff is still being fed to me at this time.)

And yes; each day I don’t smoke, I experience less constant urges. And the ones I get are more manageable. I expect to go through variations of urge frequency/strength as I reduce my dosage of nicotine at each step across the way. Heck, there is a website with lots of good quitting info that I can’t join until I have been off the 7 mg patch for 72 hours (at which point I doubt I will bother to join as quitnet is providing really good support as are sober and other friends and loved ones, and that site seems to be a bit cruel to me, and I have never responded well to that level of toughness/coldness). I am a mushpot addict.

Meanwhile, other people have big stuff going on in their lives. I need to get myself together and out the door to the office. Along with piles of work, there is a very important phone call I need to make. Have a good day.

Traces of every softness
the world has ever sent your way
if only thoughts could hold you
warm and close
they must so here
on the Atlantic wind let me send every thought I have for you
into the stillness of night
the quiet place where bravery feels fear
dark lessened by love’s presence
steady as rounded wood corners
things in their places
dreams of dreamers lying
side by side