Mind Clutter

So I failed and I saw him last Friday and we slept together.  (My dining room light is fixed to…but yeah,)  He had been emailing me all day and I just am so weak or whatever I can’t not respond.  I was let out of work early and I went and had a couple drinks before coming home. In one of his earlier emails he said he needed to feel me again, to look at me.  I didn’t comment on that.  He texted me and asked if I wanted him to come over and finish fixing the dining room light – and I said yes.  And I slept with him, And I listened to him ask me to wait for him and … yeah. I listened to him sob his face off telling me of his inner torment and I soaked it all up. And I offered comfort.

Oh, and I was dead on right.  He did, he moved back into the house – with the wife.  Says they’re living seperate lives, he said she said no he couldn’t move back in, but he told her it was his house and he had to because he couldn’t afford anything else. 

On Monday, after emailing – oh the emails?  I finally asked him to please stop emailing me.  I told him I couldn’t be his friend – that it hurt too much to  be his friend. I hated doing it, it’s hard not talking to him, it’s hard not talking to him.  I miss him…even if he isn’t good for me, even if I know all of that I can’t stop feeling the way I feel towards him.  How do you do that??  Does it get easier the longer you go without hearing from them?  No.  I miss Brian still.  Every day I think of how he’s doing, wanting to talk to him.  So how do you stop yourself from reaching back out when they do contact you?

WTF is wrong with me? 

I can’t stand the loneliness.  How do you get used to living alone — I haven’t been alone in 24-years.  Yes, get a hobby…I know.  But I am still coming home from wherever I go – alone. Do you get used to it?  I feel panicked.  Like what if something happens to me and no one knows.  Or if I get sick? 

I did have a good birthday.  Lisa and I met at a restaurant for lunch and a drink before the show.  I had purchased tickets to a local play here: "I love you, you’re perfect, now change."  It was really funny.  We were supposed to then go to the Thai place but Lisa started calling early about meeting up with her husband and friends at a bar to watch the game.  I didn’t want to go to the Thai place, because it’s a place Chris and I went to a lot and I knew they were going to ask me where he was.  So said okay.  Drank a LOT too much, had  a great time, played pool, walked away with some man’s hat.  I then came home, drove home(ay yi yi, drunk), proceeded to fall into the bathrub and went to bed.  Not good, I know. 

It feels better when I am out with people and drinking.  Then I can come home, giggle at myself and stumble into bed.  Then it doesn’t hurt so much being alone.  I do have the dogs, and yes, they are a great source of comfort and love.  But they don’t talk back.  Although they are great cuddlers at night.  But I feel like I can’t keep doing that either.

It would be better too if I had a larger circle of friends to come over or hang out with.  But i don’t.  I put an ad on CL SP and met one person.  It was okay, but then he starts emailing me about needing a sponge bath.  *sigh*  I wish I could just have sex for sakes sake.  But I can’t and in my ad I was blatantly honest that I was not interested in sex.

It’s going to be really hard to date.  I don’t even know how to date.  It’s scary…from what I understand if you’re not putting out on the 3rd date you’re over.  Well…I can’t do that.  I’ve only been with 3 guys and each one of them was a long relationship.  I worry I will never find anyone again and don’t know how to go about finding someone else.  

Lisa admitted to me she was a woman who cannot be without a man.  I think I am one of those women too and that is pathetic to me.  🙁

I feel so wretched…good thing I have therapy tonight.  To make matters worse I have some type of stomach bug that is apparently going around.  Fuckfuckfuckfuckityfuckfuck!