Guilt, guilt; go away…

I am not one for sharing much but I have recently been having some out-of-character behaviors and know that I need to vent or this heart of mine will not heal.

I spent three fifteen years with my dad and I as BFF’s. The last seven years I lived with him. The last three months of his life I stayed with him every day at the hospital. The last two months I have so much guilt now that he is gone. I feel guilt about the hours that I did go home and see my dog and cat. I feel quilt for ever once getting irritated with him while he was going through so much. I have so much fucking guilt. I know I need to let it go and that I did a million things right but my emotional side wants to feel bad. I don’t want to feel guilty about moving on too quickly either. I already did the “dead mom” dance fifteen years ago (in three days it’ll be 15y) so I know there is going to be a time that it really is easier. Right now though, I’m a mess.

I feel most guilty that I let my Aunt control me and my dad for a couple decades. Rather than both of us just sitting there complaining about her, one of us should have done something over the course of 15-20 years. Now it is too late and I can’t give him years of solace like I will have now that I have severed all ties with her. It’s only been two months and I cannot tell you how freeing it has been to not have to worry about ever speaking to or seeing her again. FREEING. I am 37 years old and just cannot fathom how I let it go on for so long. I am so angry with her. I am even more angry at myself. I even took my dying father’s wish away and let her see him. Granted it was a good outcome and I am glad I did it, I still went against his dying wish for HER. If it hadn’t been a good outcome then I would have put him and her both in a very awful place in his last hours of lucid life.

I am going to get through this. I have a huge support team but I cannot explain to them that I think my Aunt contributed to my dad’s medical issues by the stress she caused him. She didn’t poison him or set out to “stress him to death” but almost everyday she got him upset about something. There were no ignoring her phone calls, she would keep calling even when she knew he was livid. Ugh. I just shake my head and feel so much guilt.