it’s horrible
so i just want to know why the heck am i still here…. i should of left long time ago. being with someone who doesn’t love you is not easy. as much as you try to get along its not possible anymore… my mind wonders most of the time and i keep thinking that hopefully all of this suffering will go away. I now have a theory, sort of a psychoanalysis i did today. ever since i was young i had episodes in my life where all i wanted was to be loved. So when i was little i was kicked out of my parents bed to sleep by myself because my brother alex was born. later on it happened that we were sent to my grandmas and i always thought my parents didn’t love me because otherwise they wouldn’t have left me and nothing would of happened to us. Then as i grew all of my boyfriends always cheated on me… so now i live with someone who doesn’t love me… geez had the nerve to accept it…. its ok i guess, i should be use to that already but i’m not… it’s the same suffering over and over again…. loneliness hunts me day by day and i guess since i’m so afraid of it, well it comes closer to me. I wish i could just lay in bed and cry my heart out…. i guess its a way to let everything out… but for some reason i just feel like its not the same anymore…i’ve been through so much for five years now… things get harder by the day and it seems like i’m on my way to freaking hell. Today like any other day i woke up in a bad mood and to finish it off he woke up in a bad mood, i’m always in a bad mood because i can’t stand the thought of her and her stupid shit.. but like always i try to act like everything is ok… but i know its not… everything is not ok… everything is crap…everything is not what i want it to be…. i’m stressed…work is a pain in the ass and i can’t stand it anymore…. i’m so fustrated with the whole house thing… i have to do everything…. and everyone is on top of me…. i feel like i’m a freaking kid that everyone yells at… Mom is always getting mad at me for something.. Dad always gets mad because he says i need to step up and start saving for the hard days to come… George is always on my back about everything he doesn’t like about me…. Don Vicente always has something to say, and of course work…. who doesn’t say anything to me at that place… i hate it… it is unbelievable… Rubiela is always behind my back making me help her… i don’t mind and i do it because i want to learn but sometimes i’m like omg please step off.. i need some space….
Back to the George theme, he just came to see what i was doing,,, snatched my laptop and read the first few line and laughed and just threw the computer at me…what an ass… seriously, he is destroying my life….all the time i just dreamed of someone loving me like i always love them… it just never happend and i don’t think it will happen…. i’m to hurt to love… i’m to hurt to cry anymore… i’m just to hurt to live… I just really hope that one day this will be over and that i can actually live in peace… for God’s sake i just need some peace in my life… i don’t ask for much… just someone that loves me… i wonder if what Juan said is true. you got to be with the one who loves you so you don’t suffer even if you don’t love that person.. i just think that’s selfish… cause you’ll be hurting someone too so its not something i would do