Depression

    I feel like I will never feel better.  Ever.  Even in my attempts to make myself better or to feel better do not work.  There is always some reason to feel like shit.  The smallest things now set me off.  I even know I am being sensitive, yet these things still upset me.  I wish there was a day I could wake up and not feel sad or hopeless.  Or feel that facing the day is simply an obstacle I have to get through until I can simply go to sleep again.  I over analyze things people say even more than I ever did and take everything to heart.  What is wrong with me?  I’m taking my anti-depressants, and I thought I was feeling better, but now, I don’t think I am.  My life is so fucked up.  Not in the sense that it really is…but the way I look at it is.  What would be the difference in dying and living the way that I do now?  I don’t see much difference.   I simply exist, I don’t live.  I am here, but no more than that.  I feel dead inside.  I hardly feel any good feelings, and when I do, I feel like I don’t deserve them, or I feel that this feeling cannot last long because something is going to come along and make me sad again.  And it does…that thing is me.  I make me sad, and I can’t stop it.  What’s wrong with me?  Why must I have to feel like this every day of my life?  Is this what I deserve?  Did I do something terrible in a past life to deserve this never ending feeling?
 
-"I Killed someone, you see.  I killed the girl that used to be me."
 
– Depression is feeling like you’ve lost something, but have no clue when or where you last had it.  Then, one day, you realize what you lost was yourself.
 
-People think depression is sadness.  People think depression is crying.  People think depression is dressing in black.  But people are wrong.  Depression is the constant feeling of being numb.  Being numb to emotions, being numb to life.  You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again.  Days aren’t really days; they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced.  And how do you face them?  Through medication, though drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting.  When you’re depressed, you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day.  That’s what depression is, not sadness or tears, but the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.
 
-"Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced.  It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again.  The absence of hope, that very deadened, that is so very different from feeling sad.  Sad hurts, but it’s a healthy feeling.  It is a necessary thing to feel.  Depression is very different."- JK Rowling