Google Search- How to kill yourself and dispose of your own body.

Google search- How to kill yourself and dispose of your own body. Not one helpful article came up. This is rock bottom.  Wishful thinking that even in death I can’t figure out a way to do it without burdening my children. I am not sure Dee will will make it in this world with out me. Kay will be fine she is strong and smart despite the horrible examples I have put in front of her all her life. I’m 39. I’m sick, and poor. I have made many wrong choices that have led me to this point. My life should be a PSA for kids on how not to end up. My story started very well, born into a dysfunctional family with access to more opportunities than I have ever been able to provide to my own kids. Never been on drugs or even a big drinker. Always treated people with respect and with genuine caring. I just kept fucking up, now I’m sick and can’t fix anything. Life daily gets worse and worse. I have always made the wrong choice and if I could go back and do it all over again is the thought path I get stuck in most of the nights I can’t sleep. I struggled to finish high school pregnant and 20 yrs old. I did manage to graduate. I gave birth to another child at 22. At 24 I married my children’s father so I could join the Army. The Army option never happened and I stayed in the marriage until I was 31. Leaving the abuse I was living through was hard. The 1st year after was even harder. My depression and non management of my finances, and horrible relationship choices led me to living out of an apartment with 2 young children with no electricity for 3 weeks. Only to be evicted and then having to move into a less than safe neighborhood. My kids only had 3 meals a day Monday through Friday thanks to free breakfast and free lunch at their elementary school. I would beg my mother to wire me 15$ so I could buy tuna fish macaroni noodles mayonnaise pickle relish mustard milk cereal and some kool-aid sugar eggs and a tube of the least expensive ground beef from save a lot grocery store. With that I was able to to make a big bowl of macaroni salad a pan of hamburgers in gravy and we would have to eat off of that for a whole week. I would hide the cereal till the weekend so the kids would have cereal to eat the 2 days they were not in school. I went to food banks when I had the gas to drive to the other side of town. We returned to the state we had left a year before and my kids and myself were so skinny. They took a picture at their Dad’s grandmother’s house upon return. I look at that picture often and have so much disappointment in myself for not doing better by them. The picture of my 11 year old and 9 year old skin and bones with dark circles under their eyes. Clothes tattered and hanging on them like they were hanging on clothes hangers. Old shoes worn out actually too small. What a piece of shit I am for not doing better by them. I tried for years after to work and earn enough to move into my own place. The living arrangements when we first returned back in 2012 were not easy, but my Mom and her boyfriend let us come and stay with them. My sister had already moved back home that spring, so the 6 of us in the 3 bedroom was a cramped habitat, and my Mom’s boyfriend rarely held back on how upset he was about the situation. I had  job as a temp working at a local University in the Registrar’s office. I was trying so hard to get hired as a permanent employee. That did not happen and after using my tax money to move into  a single wide trailer I was let go 7 days after getting my keys. I lost the job because I was still trying to function with depression. I had been late to work too many times prior. In a rush to move out of Mom’s so the kids and I could finally have a place where home was a place of peace not fear or anxiety, I called out sick from work so I could go to the trailer and put down bombs and try to make sure the home did not have any roaches in it, as well as  paint to try and make it look less like the slum it was. Someone from my job saw me and told my supervisor and the next day they let me go. It took me 3 months to find another job. I could never get caught up. The car payment, the insurance, the power bill, the storage with all my furniture still back in Virginia that I had not been able to go and get so I just kept paying, the water and sewage bills, there just was not anything left. I was barely making it to work weekly which was a 45 minute commute one  way. I was paying rent but not clearing the back 3 months rent caused me to be evicted by that October. Back to Mom’s but by this time the boyfriend had died and it was a slightly better environment. Unfortunately her health was declining and I took on a new job with the promise of being made a manager due to my previous experience.  Yet another mistake. That job coupled with my at the time 14 yr old with mental health issues and my Mom’s back to back heart attacks I developed high blood pressure. Initially I had medical insurance I was paying 400$ a month for and a 2500$ deductible. Every appointment was a full cost to me until I could reach the deductible, then the pressure was just too much and I had to quit the job. This time it took me a year to find another job. Mom kept us all afloat during that time. I had taken over as her caregiver and she became weaker and more depressed after the loss of her long time boyfriend.  I finally was back to work at the beginning of the next year. I no longer had tax refund money because due to default on my student loans I was no longer getting any money back. Instead it went to my debt. I began hiding my car so it would not get repossessed. I got in an accident in which I lost my front signal light and horn. The repairs were an expense I could not afford so I just kept driving with bad tags, unable to pass inspection. It really sucked because the job I had required me to go to homes all over my county to conduct enrollments for a FDA survey panel on tobacco use. My sister moved her boyfriend in and they began living in the living room. My daughter and I shared a room and my son had a room and Mom had a room. In the midst of all this I made another bad choice and became involved with an older man who had nothing to offer in the form of financial help. He became homeless and Mom let him move in with us. This moved my daughter into the room with Mom and that was a very hard situation for both of them. Right before the job ended with the FDA I found another job at  a local mattress store. I began working for them just in time. Things were up and down for a while I lost my storage during the time I was out of work. My second time loosing everything after putting it in storage and not being able to pay for it. The car was acting up and Mom’s car needed a transmission. During all this time I was still doing as much as I could for everyone. The cooking, cleaning, taking Mom to doctors appointments, every night I would pick up my sister and her co worker at 12:30 AM and get the co worker home then take my sister back to our home. Then get up and take my boyfriend to work at 5:30 am pick him up at 3 pm – 4 pm then take him anywhere he needed to go. Not to mention the kids were developing down 2 different paths. Dee was kicked out of school for rubbing against a teachers assistant in the library. He had to finish the year in an alternative school that was basically kiddy jail. Every day he would tell me about fights and I had a real fear he was only learning how to become a criminal. When he started high school it was very hard for him to make friends and with him being in special ed it was not the same high school experience my daughter was having. He began lying all the time and he became very aggressive and argumentative. I was looking for a way to help him and was told about an alternative quasi- military school he could attend and get his GED. He had always wanted to go into the military and I thought it would be a great opportunity for him, but after years of being in special ed classes he just could not learn on his own and the environment was even worse than the previous alternative school. Again my son was surrounded by those that had done so much worse than he had. He only learned how to fight more. While he was gone the owners of the home we had been renting decided they wanted to put the home on the market to sell. At this time we were constantly back and forth to the hospital with my Mom. My boyfriend had come to work at the mattress store where I worked in sales and he was on the delivery team. Part time hours were a good week for him, but more than normally he was working about 10 hours a week as sales were extremely slow. We decided to find a place with Mom due to the evictions on my credit report and his lack of helpful income. We moved into a really large home in March of 2019. By April my sister and her boyfriend moved in. When I went to work for the  mattress store I no longer had medical insurance as an option. I did not keep up with my blood pressure medicine all that time. In September of 2018 I had an unbearable headache. I tried everything to get it to go away, nothing worked. By the next morning I woke up to half my body feeling numb. Like my entire left side had fell asleep and was trying to wake up but was not fully awake. I could move everything but my since of touch was just half gone. I went to the ER scared I had some kind of minor stroke. They ran a bunch of scans and blood work came back and said I would need to see a specialist from what they could  tell it was not a stroke. I left the ER worried and reached out after wards to a local clinic in my area for people who did not have insurance. They would provide a primary care to get my blood pressure medicines and they work with charities to get people seen by specialist they can’t afford. I was told it would be a fairly long wait to be seen by the specialist and I was fine with that because other than the awkwardness of the lack of sensation on my left side I was still very much functioning.  I was too busy to worry about me. I was working 46 hours a week. Taking care of Mom, trying to be a good Mom to Dee and Kay, and hoping we would find a place where we could all live more comfortably. After moving into the house I started getting sick in the mornings. Every morning it was like morning sickness. I woke nauseous and vomiting, finally by April I went back to the ER and was told my kidney’s were failing. I was at 24% and that the function was 29% when I came in September the year before. They said they told me that back in September but they never told me any thing about my kidneys in September. So I went to the clinic for no people with no insurance and told the LPN I needed a referral to a urologist she gave me some more blood pressure medicine, and medicine for my gout. About 4 days after that visit she called me said my blood work had elevated white blood cell count and that I needed to come back in to get more blood work done. I did and she prescribed an antibiotic called bactrim and told me to increase my dosage of the gout medicine allopurinol I did it as I was told. My son returned home from the military school with no GED in March. By June I had him enrolled at the local community college in the continuing education department. He would be okay and graduate the following year in June of 2020 which would have been his original graduation date had he not taken this detour. I had to drive him to school every morning as well as take my daughter to drivers ed. Mom had had 2 more heart attacks since march and at the end of July she was back in the hospital again. My nephew had asked to move in with his girlfriend and their dog. We agreed to let them come stay because the new house was so big they could still have their own room. I also thought it would be good for my sister who had not raised any of her 3 children past the age of 8. She has always had such guilt over that. August 1st I woke up sick as  a dog. I took Dee to school like always dropped him off at 8 am having to stop several times on the way there and back to throw up, but I pushed through because I did not want him to miss days and end up failing. A lot was going on at this time. Dee was lying the whole time I had been taking him to school. He would wait for the next bus and just come right back home, but by that time I was normally gone to work myself and had no clue. He kept lying to me and started stealing from me. Mom was in the hospital and I was at the  hospital everyday after work by the start of August I thought I had caught the flu because I got really sick. I had nausea, vomiting, fever, diarrhea for 4 days strait. On the forth night I passed out in the bathroom. I went to the ER thinking I must be really dehydrated and was told that my kidney’s had shut down to only 2% function. I was in the hospital until August 24th. I started dialysis treatments on the 27th. While I was in the hospital I could not take care of my mother she came home from the hospital shortly before I did. On August 30th my Mom died in our home. I was too weak to do the CPR correctly. My job had fired me while I was in the hospital and had no plans on bringing me back but by the end of September one of my co-workers grandfather died and she had to go to Ohio for a week to be with her family. Only because of that did my job let me come back to work. My sister and her boyfriend stepped up and began helping to pay the bills in the house. I applied for disability when I first got sick because I needed the medicare to keep getting dialysis. I was told I could not make more than 1200$ a  month at my job so my job cut my hours back to only Monday and Fridays. I had dialysis Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays every week. My Moms life insurance denied our claim initially when she died because she  had not had the policy 2 years. She passed away 5 days too soon. they eventually stated my Mom did not disclose her heart failure and only refunded her premiums back to my sister and myself. we both received 1072$ which we used to pay the bills at the  house. Of course things just continued to go down hill. My nephew left when he could not find work. My son got a job through a neighbor he was working at a local pizza chain but they let him go after he had several issues with attendance. My daughter is working at a local fast food chain and going to school full time. The boyfriend is still working part time only and not looking for a better job due to the fact he and a friend are suppose to be opening a car wash but have yet to get a location after purchasing all the supplies needed to actually run the car wash. It feels like  a pipe dream and his alcoholism and gambling addiction have proven to be his only real loves in this world. I have about 25 designs for bumper stickers but my laptop is broken. I used my tax money in a matter of days to get my Mom’s car out of the shop pay to get our power back on after disconnect after my sister did not pay the bill. Now she is trying to move out with her boyfriends sister in to a home for them. Leaving me with a 1250 rent note a 400$ power bill 100$ water bill and my income is only 1100$ a  month. Dee can’t find a job anywhere so  I was able to get him back into school at the community college continuing education department so he can at least get his diploma, but I’m not really sure he will pass. Because the public transportation is so bad where we live I have to drive him every morning to be in class by 8 am. He can catch the bus home each day. Kay always makes sure she has a way to work if I can not take her but I pick her up every night. I know there is no way no one read this far down, I just wanted to vent about all the things I am going through. Not to mention I am on dialysis and have to find gas to make it to and from there every other day. Oh and my coworker are pressuring the corporate office to hurry and hire someone new so that they can go back to having weekends off since one of my dialysis days is Saturday no full weekends for anyone. I understand their wants but as soon as this new person gets hired my hours will be cut back even more. Oh and the disability claim might as well forget about it, no money and no real help except for a bill for medicare that I truly can not afford, but keeps coming every month since December. If I was getting the disability at least I would have something to work with at least I know I could cover rent and use the back paycheck to move into something cheaper for the kids and me. Nothing is coming in time just more bills and more problems and no way to pay or fix them. Can’t even kill myself and at least dispose of my own body so my kids are stuck begging people to help bury me. Life sucks and its all my fault. I wish I  had been a better person and had made better choices. I wish people who could help would help. Need to get some boxes and start packing before the eviction comes next month. I want to be proactive but I just wake up everyday in fear. What shitty bad thing will happen today? That’s all I feel like anymore. People will speak and ask how are you doing and I have always said oh I’m good I woke up today and that’s all I need. That used to be my honest mind set. Now I say it but I never mean it. I want to scream and cry and fall apart every day I wake up. Instead I put on a fake smile as fake as the wig on my head, and say I’m good when I know I’m really not. I feel like I am in constant wait for the ball to drop and everything to fall apart. Homeless with 2 kids at 40, on dialysis a tube coming out of my chest so there is no hiding my disease. So much loss and seems like the world isn’t done with me yet. Not till I actually have nothing left not even my life.