The start….

I have written on and off when I am feeling down or confused, but I think I am going to try and write more frequently and more consistently.

Today, I was cleaning a room in the house for my wife and came across my old journals.  When I was in college I would write when I was emotionally unsettled.  I found it was a great way to settle down the emotions.

It was really cool to see all the discussions.  In some ways, I have come a long way.  In others, I am exactly in the same place.  Back then I was very unsettled about my future and what steps I should take.  It’s fascinating to see all the thinking I put into my decisions.  I don’t come across as a planner, but I do a ton of analysis and planning in my head.  In some cases, back then, I would actually write it down because I was getting overwhelmed.

There were a few key takeaways from seeing these journals:

• some things that seem really important at the time aren’t really important
• if you see an issue coming up over and over again, it’s probably something you will deal with for a long time… it might just be part of who you are
• timing is everything… I had the right answers… but I wasn’t ready for them… sometimes you just have to let things play out… things will happen when they are ready to happen.  Just keep pushing forward.
• I think I may always be unsettled in my relationships… I think a combination of insecurity, relentless pursuit of betterment and a innate desire to explore conspire to undermine my happiness in a stable committed relationship… I always want more.  I always fear losing what I have.  I always wonder if there is something better.    My greatest strength is my greatest weakness.  My relentless exploration for the new and innovative undermine my ability to be happy with what I have now.  Funny though… some aspects of my life I reached a point where I lost the desire to explore.
• I think I will always be in pursuit of a place or set of people where I belong…. and I think I will always have that feeling that I don’t belong.

Now, onto present time… I struggle every day with being satisfied with my relationship.  My wife is amazing.  She is loyal.  She is dependable.  She is an amazing mother.  She will never leave as long as I don’t violate the basic rules.  However, she and I don’t connect on a few key elements.  First, we don’t have shared interests as it relates to my work/passions.  Second, we aren’t a great fit sexually.

As for shared interests, I have the luxury of not working.  So, I have chose to do what gives me energy.  What gives me energy is working on big social issues that need solutions.  I am an explorer and innovator at heart.  I want to solve big problems.  I am very focused on solving the problem of social isolation and loneliness.  It’s an underlying cause of many of the ills of society and individuals.  And most importantly, I can relate.  I have always felt socially isolated and lonely.  All we want as humans is to feel like we belong and we matter to others.  Due to my upbringing, I have had a sense of not belonging and being lonely, so working on these problems is near and dear to my heart.  I am also intense and driven … and my wife doesn’t want to be apart of “my thing” . she wants her own thing.  however, for me my thing is giving me a sense of belonging and mattering.  and it falls in contention with her desire to spend time with me.  I want to have shared interests so that we can have share experiences and don’t have to make tradeoffs between them.  I don’t think it is going to happen though… which scares me.

As for sexual compatibility, that has been a thing from the very beginning.  I obviously made the tradeoff and stuck with her because I valued the mother she would be, the family she would help me create and the balance she would provide me.  Her excellence as a mom allowed me to go out and achieve my career dreams and goals.  the most important of which was financial independence, which we both enjoy now.  But I feel like an alcoholic.  Every day I struggle with the lack of a fulfilling sexual relationship.  It’s not like I want some wild things.  I am pretty pedestrian in my sexual desires.  I want to be desired.  I want to feel like my wife wants me.  (It’s not an obligation).  I want her to be a little adventuresome… not too crazy but just a little exploratory to liven things up.  I want more frequency.  I want her want to please me.  I want her to tell me how she wants to be pleased… I want to talk about it.   Sex isn’t her top priority…. in fact, it is more like icing…. if everything else is done , then maybe we can add the icing… where as, I look at it as a foundation… if it isnt there, then the structure is unstable.  she almost never wants to have sex more than once a week… and if it goes more than 3 weeks between she will start to bring it up like it is duty she needs to complete.  she very much looks at it as doing me a favor… “you might get lucky” . I don’t look at it that way… I look at it as a share experience… something you can do for your partner that only you can do… its a way to show your partner how much you love them… she looks at is as me getting off… and her getting off…  but not a priority…

I am tired now… enough for today….