I remember when we were dating I had hints of it… but it really didnt come to a head until we were living together.
When we first started dating, we would see each other on the weekends and I would sleep over. At first, we might have sex each night I was there… but quickly it shifted to once a weekend… I thought it was because she was afraid her roommate would hear… I thought it would improve when we lived together. One of her friends said, "this has to be the best time of your relationship, you are living together and can have sex all the time" Nothing could be farther from the truth. Its not that we don’t do it. We just have different level of needs. We might go 3 weeks without having sex and then have sex 3 times in a week… rarely more… and never longer than 3 or 4 weeks unless she was pregnant.
Its just that my first love… the girl I dated for 6 years before my wife… was absolutely perfect in bed for me. We were perfectly compatible. I guess part of it was that we were more or less each others’ first. we had grown up together as sexual beings. and we had pretty comparable appetites and desires for creativity. but somehow that wasn’t enough then… I cheated on her… I cheated because she was never really fully committed to me. She couldn’t. Her dad was a rabbi and I was a catholic boy. She was upper middle class and I was poor white trash.
I was probably too short sighted. If I had waited, she would have come around eventually. But I was afraid. I was going bald early and I thought no one would ever want me. I had to find someone before I couldn ‘t anymore…
The root of my fustration is that sex is not only a biological need for me… its a psychological need for me… it validates my self worth. it makes me feel desired. It makes me feel like I can please someone. I never get either of those psychological needs fulfilled through sex with my wife… or at least not lastingly so….
Will I ever stop dreaming of finding a better match???