And So I Have Actually Done It….

….well kinda.

Right now I am just so fed up and feel like I have reached my boiling point. After my shul service today, I see that the front door is open…so I asked why it was open, he said he is going out to get food. He is hungry. I was like…I need the car, I have things to do…so he does me he will be back just now….

My sister panicked early today when she saw a missed call from my husband, I told her I was fine, but because I was in Shul told her I would call later.

After Shul I called her…my husband had left already so I felt free to say whatever I had to say…I was done protecting him and not opening up about how he was making me feel.

So I told her everything and she encouraged me to just let him know how I felt and let him know that I will not accept him drinking in my house and dictating my life…

Husband, I am not going through this again with you and your drinking. If you are going to choose to drink and buy alcohol then you are to do it away from me, away from the flat or any house that i call home or own. And don’t you dare get behind any wheel of any car particularly my car with alcohol flowing in you. I have tried so many fucking times to be there for you and to help you. I have gone to therapist  for your, us and myself and even though I have failed at my personal goals I have continued to seek help and tried to make it work. So now I am telling you that if you want to live with me and continue calling me your wife then you will see the therapist immediately and you will join a support group. I refuse to live through another weekend feeling like shit, crying, hating life and isolating myself from it. Last week when I put myself first and made the effort to see my friends I had a great time, even though I missed you and when I came home to you having drunk a 750ml of vodka, hid a 500ml bottle under the bed and lay on the couch snoring, I felt disgusted looking at you and calling you my husband. I am done. So this is it, you sort yourself out or you make plans to move out and live with your friends. The other day when you told me how bad you felt when you saw someone who was at switch with you, because you had no money to give them and you could see they were doped up, ask the therapist what alcohol does to you. She will tell you that the most deaths every year are from people that smoke and are alcohols. So just know that right now beside hurting me, the person you claim to love, you are doing yourself a disservice and killing yourself.

When he came back he had brought me flowers. I refused to accept them. I just left the flat and ventured off to do the things that I have planned to do.

So I am sitting at the hair dresser having my braids touched up and we have been logging whatsapp msgs between each other.

I hope I stand strong and don’t crumble. I know it won’t be easy when he is gone, but I think I am ready to take it on.