Day 8 of Being Happy…well that is how it started.
The Sun is shining….the weather is sweet…makes you wanna move…
My Saturday started of with some pampering….
Got a Gellish Mani 
Got a Pedi…and decided to be brave and had some other work done.
After that I decided to support my sister and looked at some of her products and obviously purchased something
Then came home and my mood was brought down fast…
In my head I was coming home and was gonna do some house cleaning and then prepare supper…wanna be prepared for load shedding at 6pm tonight…. 
….
I came home to a drunk husband…like seriously…he was sleeping when I left this morning when did he have time to get alcohol and get drunk in the 2.5 hours I was away.
So he tells me that he cleans better so he will do it. I am like no, I am cleaning. I new of certain areas that needed attention and needed to be spruced up, so I didn’t want him interfering. But hey I had to give in and let him help, because when I went left he would follow and just interfere with whatever I was doing.
After completing my areas, I sit down and the motha has the audacity to then accuse me for doing nothing. He then takes credit for what I cleaned and rambles on as if he cleaned everything, where as he has barely done anything.
I ignore him and just go on with what I want to do… charge my kindle (I cannot let it go flat when there is will be no electricity to charge it). He comes to me and goes on about how I don’t hug him and kiss him and tell him that I love him. I mean fuck!! Is he joking right now??
Yesterday when I created my post I was so sure of what I was saying and believed that things would work. Why do I keep living in denial and why do I keep thinking he is going to change?
Last night we got back home from work just when Load Shedding started, so I decided we need to get out….off we went to Camps Bay to have supper. Before we order our food he brings over 
. 1 each. Now I know I should not be encouraging him to drink…but I wanted to have steak and I wanted a few drinks and I knew that he would be having too., regardless of what I said.
Our night is going well….
and
after a few shots and a cocktail.
We go home… and get into bed. Listen to music off Spotify and just chill. He then decides to tell me how he knows he won’t live to 40 years old….well with all his drinking I am sure his life is being cut short…but that isn’t what he is going on about….his twin died after birth and he tells me now it is because he had a heart defect that he now has too and it is what he is going to die of. When he was younger he took too much steroids and so they further fucked up his heart. And since he is going to die soon he might as well just stop trying to better himself.
I am a lil confused…and since I don’t react, he goes on about how I am not acting like a true wife and he rants on about how he doesn’t believe me when I say that I love him.
When I woke up this morning, I heard him snoring from the 2nd bedroom. I went to the bathroom to prepare to go to get a wax and to get my nails done and I see that the sink is stained with vomit. I sigh and tell myself that I just need to brush this off and go off and focus on me.
I honestly cannot wait until he goes to Durban and I can just figure things out. Yesterday I was so sure of my marriage working and I was sure that everything would be okay. But now…
…I am busy with this post and he is banging the walls because he is so hyped up. A few min ago he came up to ask me if it was okay if he went down to the park and punched someone just to calm himself down. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!! of course I say no. So now he is banging the walls of our flat.
I decided that I deserved to 
so while I was cooking, I made myself a drink…2 shots of vodka and some Sprite. While I am eating, I take a few sips and I can not taste any vodka…I finish my supper and while I am clearing the dinner table…at the back of my head I am pondering on whether or not I did actually pore myself vodka… I keep remembering how in the past people have told me drain out his vodka and fill it up with water or poison….Innocent me could never do that to him, I trusted him not to drink when he said he wouldn’t, even when I saw him put liquor in the fridge…even when he he drank it even though he said he wouldn’t…I trusted that he never touched my vodka…
NOW!!
I opened the bottle and smelt it…there was no smell…I sipped it and it was fucking water. He had obviously drank it and replaced it with water, so I wouldn’t be suspicious of him having drank it.
It sucks that it has taken all of this for me to get to this realization, but I don’t want to continue to spend my life with him. I don’t know how I am going to do this but I want him out of my life.
*big hugs* You made the first step in deciding. Take a breath. You can do this.
@caria – since I wrote this post I have been going back and forth with what I have written. And I am still pissed off about him disguising my vodka with water, but I do love him and I still do want to give him a chance. I mean I have yet to confront him. Hut u don’t know. I know that I cannot go on with things staying the same.
@ncumisa It’s a really tough thing, especially when you love someone. I can relate.
@caria – what do I do?
@ncumisa I wish I could say. I can’t even do what I should really do. All I can tell you is that you have to create a boundary for him and consequences if he crosses it. You just have to be willing to stick to dishing out the consequences.
@caria – so this morning he pulled me aside and apologized for rhe whole vodka thing. And he wants to work on us and himself.
He went on about how me eating chocolate is a trigger for him….I don’t buy that, but alway he went on about about he is not going to allow himself to drink anywhere and I shouldn’t let him and how he will support me in not eating chocolate.
I feel comfortable in giving him a shot but….I don’t know.
@ncumisa I hope he can do it… for your sake. I really hope so. The thing I’m seeing, if I may say so, is that he is still not taking responsibility for his own addiction. He still doesn’t seem to be admitting he’s not in control, but Alcohol is. He’s trying to bargain with you and put the responsibility on you…. You eat chocolate, and he gets triggered. He needs to own his addiction and his own triggers and they have nothing to do with you.
Do you have Al-Anon meetings there that you can attend? If nothing else, you need those for yourself.
@caria – I joined Al-Anon this year, but it irritated me how they all seemed to accept the partner’s addiction and how they blamed themselves and we were willing to change themselves to make the addicts life easier. So I left the group
@ncumisa definitely not how Al-Anon should be, unless those people haven’t come to the realization yet that their loved one’s addiction has nothing to do with them.
@caria – I don’t know. This mother was talking about books she was reading on how to support your addict child and shit. I was like ‘why the fuck, should I read on how to support the addict and then a spouse was going on about how to make life more comfortable for their alcoholic husband. I was like “I get wanting to talk about how to live your life with an addict and how to maybe come to terms terms it and how to manage it”, but there was no fucking way I was going to give up a few hours of my week talking about how I need to change my life to better their lives. I will never say living and loving an addict is easy but I will never blame myself for it or make my life all about fitting it into their addictive lifestyle.
@ncumisa good for you! You’re on the right track – they are not. It’s definitely not our jobs to make life easier for the addict. They need to take responsibility for their own lives.
Damn Right, @caria 😉
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