I Can Never Have a Day to Myself!!

This morning I was fully prepped to go to the mikvah…but of course things didn’t quite happen like I wanted.

 things started a bit late because my sister in law decided that this Sunday she was going to the early church service and so when I wanted to go shower she was in the shower. But that was okay I still had time to get there in time….

 as I am leaving he asks where am I going. So I tell my husband and he insists that I wait for him as he wants to go with me. So I wait…

As I walk into the shul I tell myself to just let it all go and focus on Hashem and what I will be doing. My husband stayed in the car and I left my cellphone with him, as phones are not allowed.

and go outside to the street where I left him in my car, and he isn’t there. In my head I am spewing profound words and holding back tears.

 I see him turn into the road. I climb into the car and tell him to just go. While he is driving I start wiping a few stray tears.

Another special moment was ruined because of him.

We get home and I tell him to just go, as I was going to my father.

Had some nice tranquil time with my father but eventually I had to get up to go and shop and get back home.

I come home and him and his sister are laughing and watching  (I hate that show, but they love it) He sees me unpacking the shopping and offers to help, but I kick him our of the kitchen. Noe once does she offer to help, she just sits on the couch and continues to watch the stupid show.

While I am putting things in the fridge I see an almost finished bottle of Vodka…I just shake my head and laugh.

I am so fed up with all this shit!! Right now I can hear him snoring in our bedroom. And again I find myself wishing that he would just drink himself to death. I hate that I think that but I just want to be rid of him.

This whole weekend I have been sending him messages of how I want to end him and me and I want him out, but he doesn’t seem to take it in or realize what I am saying. I don’t want to get outside parties involved but I want him out. I am so done with this life of pain and tears. I didn’t survive a horrific car accident, in 2005, just to end up living a life that I hate. I have been trying so hard to better my life this past year and I feel so close to reaching the top but I know he is holding on my ankles and keeping me down.