Numb!

I am feeling like I want to just give up!

 brings me down…I am so bored with my job and I need to earn more money. I keep applying to vacancies and either don’t hear back or get a ‘negative’ reply. My sister made is sound easy to just get a better paying job, when I spoke to her the other day! I feel so stuck and if I am not bettering myself or making a difference. Every day is the same…get up…go to work…do what needs to be done…and then spend 98% of the day either ,  , …

I want more from my life. So the past few days I have been diligently applying to suitable positions…even applied for a job via an old colleague…don’t think she remembers me as her response , sounded so generic and came just a few hours after my email to her for the position.

It is 15:43 and work ends at 17:00…the plan was to go to gym and work out but I am feeling too depressed to actually go. I have my gym bag packed and lying on the floor next to me and have my water bottle in the office fridge…but I just don’t have the energy or motivation to go to gym.

But then what am I going to go home to…

 but we haven’t spoken to each other since yesterday. Don’t know what is up with him… well besides him drinking unreasonably, vaping and smoking a lot… I also feel as if he isn’t respecting me. I don’t know what is going on with my head about my marriage but I am not happy in it right now…I think as a whole I am not in a happy place.

The way I am feeling right now is how I felt just before I went to an Emotional Rehab, a few years ago. Vowed to never go back!

I wish something would work out right for me. I know that is sounding very entitled. But I right now I am hating life.

Last night I watched last week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy and while that guy was walking on the roof top, I could understand how he was feeling…about trying and trying and trying so much and it never being enough.  I am married but don’t feel like I have support from my husband, and I am a rather closed off person, when it comes to everyone else but him. So, I guess it is understandable for me to feel alone…

Just don’t know how or where to begin!  I called my insurance company today about getting a Life Plan! Kinda morbid planning for my death…should I only do this when I have kids? I plan on going through my finances and really living strict…and maybe afterwards I will make plan to meet with my dad for some help with it…although I know he will blow his head off when he finds out how much money I have been spending and how lil savings I have now. But have to start somewhere and get myself sorted out.