Opening Up…

Met up with my sister last night and it was great seeing her. I mean as much as it irritated me that my husband was too drunk to come with me, I am glad that I got her all to myself last night. It was great being able to lay it all out there and fill her in on how I am feeling and what is going on.

Of course she did raise the same concerns that I have. She emphasised on how hard it is to have a baby even when you have support, and how I should wait until my husband no longer depended on alcohol and I am going to need that support and his partnership. Particularly with my depression and anxiety attacks in the past I need to know that I have support from someone close to me, besides my sisters, father, his girlfriend and my bio mom.

She went on about how it took her 17 years to get out of her marriage that she was so unhappy in and how she is now dating someone else and she is so happy and her kids are happy now too. I don’t know if I want to wait 17 years to make an epiphany, but I really want my marriage to work. I told her how I am not legally married…was quite a relief to tell someone but I just hope she doesn’t blab it to anyone else.

A lil while ago, I got a WhatsApp message from my husband…in it he told me how he threw out all the liquor in our flat, besides mine. Now part of me is proud of him for doing that and I am happy…but another part of me knows that he can easily take a 4 min walk to a liquor store at the end of the road we live in…he could also drink the alcohol that he left behind for me, since he has already. I need to trust that he has risen from the ashes and is ready for greatness. But the pessimistic part of me is saying…

“We have been here before”

“This has happened before”

“He went to rehab”

“He has promised to stop drinking many times before”

“You have gone to AA with him” 

“You found a hypnotherapists for him” 

“You set him up with your own psychiatrist”

I know I have cried many tears.

And

I have sulked.

And

I have questioned my marriage and life.

And

Have felt as if this is hopeless….

But I ask myself how can I ask for forgiveness for my errors and how can I forgive myself for my failures if I don’t believe in him and forgive him. Yes, this all sucks and yes this does feel like a never ending circle, but I love him so I need to trust that ‘Everything Happens for a Reason’ and he is my ‘reason’ – for what I am not quite sure, but as Christina Yang and Meredith Grey say… “He is my person”