12/11/21
Seeing you made me so happy, even if it wasn’t for long. You looked very tired though. You usually are, but I hope you are at least trying to get some rest. You helped me forget the stress that was on my mind. Hanging out with you outside of a show was so calming, despite us both being over-caffeinated and borderline manic.
I found out recently that things in your life have been more stressful than you have let on. I know it’s because we aren’t close friends that you haven’t told me a lot, and that’s totally fine. One of your long time friends told me about it when you came up in conversation. She asked that once I move that I keep an eye on you, even though I’ll be a few hours away. If it’s bad enough for someone to ask a total stranger to keep an eye on you, maybe you should rest. Tell your job to eat a dick until after the new year. I know you never stop working, but even if you are doing what you love for a living, it’s not hard for your body to cave. I can tell you aren’t eating the most healthy either.
I’m so happy you feel comfortable venting to me about things going on in your career, but as someone who has seen what happens after the stuff you described starts to come to the surface, I’m worried that your company will take everything you know and love and destroy it. They’ve done it before. I had no idea until your friend told me. That person had the means to fight it in court, but you don’t. I know it will mentally hit you hard. It worries me. You are tough, but you’re also very sensitive under it all. I let my wall down not just because I like you a lot, but because I could see how much of a face you have to put forward. I’ve been there. I wanted you to see that it’s okay to let it down for a bit.
I don’t get mad when you don’t message me back, which is why I don’t message you that much. You’re busy and so am I. But just so you know, I light up when you do text back, because the fact that you’re taking the time to talk to me despite your workload makes me feel special. I hope after I move that we can become closer friends. Yeah sure, I have a crush on you. I straight up told you that you’re a very attractive man. But that isn’t why I want to hang out. You’re just a great person all around and I need more people like you in my life. Whether you know it or not, you have taught me a lot. You have provided me with musical challenges that test my brain instead of just telling me “oh hey this sounds cool”. You have shown me that I have a chance of being something still, despite being over 30 (you know just as well as I do how we were conditioned growing up to believe like we all had to have our shit together before 30 or we were failures).
My goal is to someday be with you on stage, performing a track we have worked on together. I don’t say this in a romantic way. I could care less if we ever ended up together, and I’m 99% sure you aren’t interested and that’s totally fine. I mean it in a respectful way. In an artist way. I hope I can someday work with you on a project. We could destroy everything in our way. But I would still keep my projects separate because, like you, I am an individual and my art is my own.
And if I hear about your place of employment taking your work away, I will fight next to you and help you however I can. It looks like that may be on the horizon if your health doesn’t improve soon. It sure as shit isn’t my job to heal you or bail you out, but you’re my friend and if anyone fucks with your art, you best bet I’ll be there to fuck up their face.