7/25/21
Another dream last night where I discover more rooms in my house. This time, it was a broom closet. Also, I was having vertigo during the dream, which isn’t uncommon for me even before I was diagnosed.
In the dream, someone I knew had modified one of my paintings. I remember feeling very upset. This happened to me when I was a teenager. A guy I was dating had a mom who gave up on art to raise a family and interfered with one of my paintings. I remember walking up to her and telling her “this is my painting, not yours!” This dream reminded me of that.
The funny this is that I told my dad last night that I was going to give up on art for a little while and focus on music. I woke up with ideas that were held back by the fact that I am missing a supply I thought I had. Total bummer. I ordered some more using whatever money I had left. Thankfully I have enough food to get me through the week.
I don’t often find myself listening to Pendulum anymore, but 9000 Miles really hits the spot today. I think I may have it in a music library on my old computer.
Last night, I microdosed. I could feel the anxiety setting in, yet again. This entire week. The anxiety of my not wanting to reach out to anyone, and nobody reaching out to me. What a weird state to be in. You want people to check on you, but they’re all busy and have lives, but you crave conversation. The stress makes me smoke more. So I finally called it quits and microdosed on acid. May have taken a little bit more than I should have. It’s hard to cut a tab into 10 pieces. R said he only does it for a few months out of the year when things get rough. That’s my plan. 1/10 of a tab once a week. I know it’s typically 3-4 days, but I don’t want to end up like Jo-E.
Funny how just a few years ago, I was slamming on microdosing. Now I’m trying it to see if I can get my head on straight. The meds were all warped because of getting on birth control, which I have quit. I wonder if there is a lawsuit I can join for adverse effects of Lo Loestrine. I could get $10 of the settlement. Would probably just donate it to Planned Parenthood if I did. Or buy a victory coffee. Or my med refills since I live in the states.
I forgot how much of a bop Midnight Runner by Pendulum is. Letting my Youtube go through it’s cycle. I should buy this on payday. I may use just 64 beats of the track though in a loop. I could keep that beat going in a loop for a while though.
Getting back into streaming has forced me to look more at new releases. Tech house and techno have been interesting lately. I don’t like the clubby, blonde guy with a hipster mustache tech house. I like the kind that borders on destructive but is still socially acceptable. Easy to mix with techno (the ultimate sin, I know) and can transition into synthwave decently, providing the synthwave track is on the lower melody side with a longer intro.
I need to experiment with building loops life again. All of the loops I usually end up start right after a breakdown though, so I have to be careful to make sure the kick at the start isn’t over-dramatic to give away that it is a loop. Maybe I’m thinking too hard. H said he has an easier way to do it, but he uses Traktor, so he probably has a different set of tools. I haven’t used Traktor in years. I miss it sometimes. Sometimes.
It’s sad that synthwave is basically a dead genre now. Mass produced and out of control. I found myself combing through Bandcamp and everything was so different. Not a lot of soul in it. Even one of my favorite producers just cranks out albums now like it’s nobody’s business. I remember when it took a year or two to make an album and when it came out, it was a hit. I hate to say it, but his new stuff just doesn’t seem interesting.
Anyone who reads this that isn’t electronic music savvy is probably incredibly confused. That’s fine. You don’t need to know. Just know that the rave scene is a hollow shell of what it once was, but the music is still good.
Speaking of music, watching Twitter explode over Lil Nas X’s new video has been fantastic. So many talking heads on both sides of the main political spectrum trying to tell a gay man how gay he can be in pubic. Everyone wants to support gay people until they gay people start acting gay. Fuck off you little peens.