7/26/21
I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, but when there is a history of near jumping, it’s hard not to do.
I am worried about a friend of mine. He turns 35 soon. He said if he’s still working his job by then, he isn’t sure what he is going to do. I’m hoping he isn’t suicidal, and he told me he isn’t, but sometimes things are left unanswered below the surface. I asked him if we were cool today. No response.
This happened last year before his birthday too. Just ghosted for a while. I figured he hated me. Tolerated me. He told me that was all in my head, but I can’t shut that off. If he never texts me back, then that’s the way it goes I guess. I’ll probably still send a message to his old roomie and ask him to check in on him on his birthday to make sure he’s still alive.
It’s hard when you have feelings for a person that is going through these things, but for the sake of my own mental health, I have to separate myself from it.
I’ve barely eaten today. No appetite. I bet if I had some microwave burritos it would be a different story. Not the ones they sell at corner stores. The good ones.
Light day at work today. Makes me nervous. My team is never light on Mondays.
My neighbor and I are going to try and go to a barcade after work on Friday. I need to get out. I need to meet people that aren’t ravers. A barcade probably isn’t a great start though. Still, it’s something to get me out of the house and into the world. The social anxiety has gotten worse with the pandemic, so I’m hoping I can just be quiet most of the time and listen to others instead of talking out of sheer nervousness. I say stupid still when I’m scared or nervous. I feel like a shy teenager, but I’m actually just a horribly adjusted adult with three cats, some fish and PTSD from art school. I have high expectations while skirting the line with my own.
The idea of getting back into the dating world with someone I don’t know is horrifying. 6.5 years was a long time to be in a relationship, and when the person you like says they aren’t ready to date anyone yet and is horrible with communication for basic things, the brain bends. R has some red flags that I need to pay attention to. It’s incredibly hard to put friendship aside and analyze them, but is it even worth analyzing at this point?
Kie says “you never know, he may come around someday” but I’m not holding my breath. The emotional side of me says to keep waiting. The rational side of me says “Dude you need to leave your house.” I don’t like either side. Option 3 please.
The bar adventure all depends on my doctor’s appointment on Thursday. I can’t tell if I have an ear infection or a general drainage issue. Either way, it’s annoying the hell out of me. The spine aches keep coming back even though my period is over. It’s beginning to become very troublesome. So many medical things, so little brain space.
I messaged a friend today and immediately regretted the decision once they started talking about their problems. I didn’t have the energy for it and shouldn’t have even tried. Nothing against them.
I need to eat something but I’m out of my go to food and too exhausted to cook. And broke. That’s a thing.