8/1/21

Finally went out into the world on Friday and Saturday.  Met some nice people.  Didn’t exchange any information.  Just conversations.

I joined Bumble and every guy on here looks like either a rapist or a bearded toe. Is there were people go to die?

I definitely have a type and they are not on Bumble.

Still no word from R, but he saw one of my stories on FB, so I’m assuming he’s still alive at least.  Nai said that he’s probably having another isolation anxiety fit, but even during my really bad mental disorder days, I at least tell people that we’re still cool and that I just don’t have the energy to talk. I don’t leave them hanging.

I have no energy today.  No social battery left.  I need to recharge.

Just found out that this musician that I’ve had a major crush on that is coming to town soon (first tour) is four years younger than me.  He’s a super nice guy who I have talked to several times.  It’s a small tour.  I’m hoping the turnout is good but smaller because I would really just like to talk to him for a couple of minutes.  I like to pick the brains of the musicians I respect.  Talking to JT from Rabbit Junk was a lot of fun.  I’m sad SumGrrl wasn’t at that show, but they have kids together and she decided to stay home for half of the tour, which is respectable.

The lack of human touch is starting to get to me.  I hugged a friend for the first time in a long time yesterday, but it’s not the same.  The single life is starting to get to me.  It is what it is but it sucks.  The fact that my head is stuck on one person who lives a rather solitary existence makes me depressed.  People keep saying ‘he’ll come around” but I just don’t see it.  My own anxiety hits me before anything else.  I get angry about it sometimes.  Then I get sad and lonely.  Then angry again.  When I say angry, I don’t mean punch-a-hole-in-the-drywall angry.  Just frustrated.  That’s probably a better word. I internalize it. It’s not something I can shut off unfortunately.

I ordered food on grubhub for the first time in a long time today.  I got a quarterly bonus at work for my attendance, so I bought my fish a new piece of decor to replace the one that fell apart.  They aren’t sure about it. Can’t blame them.