8/26/21

I met one of my favorite musicians a little under two weeks ago.

Of course he did an amazing job.  The show was smaller, so I got to talk to him after the show.  I was amazed at how shy he was.  He talked to other people just fine, but when he got to me, he seemed to lock up a bit.  I was worried I scared him, but I eventually got him to talk a little bit more.  Super sweet guy.  I hugged him and managed to get him to smile kind of big.  He has the goofiest smile and it’s insanely cute.  I can tell he hides his smile behind his hand because his teeth are a little spaced out, but getting to see his full smile made my heart soar.  He truly is a great human.

The confidence boost I got from the show was enough for me to start exercising and quit smoking cigs.  12 days today.  I started working on art and music again.  When I saw him on stage doing exactly what I wanted to do, I was determined to play catch up.  I may be 31, but it’s never too late.

If anyone is reading this that falls under the stoner umbrella: Stop.  Just stop.  Stop telling yourself it makes you better.  Very seldom does it make people more productive in the right ways.  Nothing wrong with smoking to unwind, but I promise you, unless you have a medical condition of some sort where weed actually helps, I am willing to put money on it holding you back.  It should for sure be legal and affordable to EVERYONE, recreational included, but if you are reading this and wondering if you have a problem with smoking a lot, then you probably have a problem with smoking a lot.  I ruined my 20s just smoking and not getting the right things done.  Don’t be like me. I’m playing catch up now.

My skin is starting to heal finally.  Used to be that cigs would keep my skin clear, as weird as that sounds.  I started using a new “tonic” that was in Allure magazine that has really helped (though I can get itchy from it at times and have to rinse it off after a few minutes as it can get tacky on my skin).

My makeup journey is getting better too.  Still a mess at winged eyeliner, but I know I was doing a decent job when I saw the musician kind of lock up when he saw me.  He kept complete eye contact.  Now I’m not the type of person to be like “OMG HE LIKES ME I NEED TO PURSUE”, because I’m not that obsessed, but damn if it didn’t give me major confidence.  Apparently he has family in the area though, so if he ever says he will be around, I may ask if he wants to hang out or get coffee.  He’s just a cool person to talk to. Helps that he’s insanely cute. Honestly, it put all of the insecurity about R on lockdown.  I told my neighbors about this and they were shocked.  We are all good friends and the fact that I said that I put my feelings for R on the side because I was so inspired was enough for them to say “holy shit.” They’ve had to deal with this for a while.

Still no contact from R.  Bomber says that this is normal, but I told her that I’m tired of dealing with the insecurity that comes from it.  I had to let it go.  If he wants to talk to me, he can talk to me.  I’m on a new mission now and relationships are not priority.

I wish more people knew how to dance like they did in the 80s.  I’ve been learning dance moves to keep my exercise routine fresh, but my heels hurt so bad. The night walks help with balance, but I come home sweating balls because of how humid it is.

The vertigo comes and goes now.  Mainly comes if I’m out in the sunny heat for more than five minutes.  The heat has been killer lately here.  But I still keep walking.  I have to.  I’m tired of living in a body I hate.  I need to keep going.

My oven is broken.  Submitted a ticket with the landlord, but god this sucks.  I don’t buy a lot of microwavable food because I prefer to cook my own meals, but I can’t even boil water.  My neighbors have been kind enough to let me cook dinner over there at night. I’m going to walk to the grocery store later and pick up some microwave stuff.  I know I had a hot plate at one point but I can’t find it.  I know it’s in the basement somewhere but god I hate going down there.  It’s a mess.  Every time I clean it, it goes to literal shit since my one cat can’t be bothered to use the litter box (it’s an unfinished stone floor so it isn’t the end of the world but it still sucks and I have to clean it a lot).

Never thought I would be eating oatmeal again.  It’s depression food, but it’s keeping me going.  I can microwave it, so there’s that.