9/9/21
I had a dream last night. R was seeing someone, which was fine, but I recognized the person. She wasn’t a friend, but more of an archetype of someone I used to know.
There is a certain type of woman I have learned to avoid at all costs. They have this aura about them that screams “My family took away my dignity, so I’ll take away anything from anyone else because I deserve it.” This archetype comes from a girl that one of my ex’s started dating, who dragged him through hell and high water. We actually became friends at one point because I realized that she and him got along so well. I told myself she was a good person until she completely wrecked his life. My ex from that time is doing much better now. But the physical appearance of anyone similar to her still irks me. One of those situations where I should have trusted my gut from the get go, but didn’t because I didn’t want to project insecurities onto anyone.
Anyway, R was seeing someone that looked like that archetype, and as he is my friend, I trusted his judgement. He showed up for a DJ meetup and brought her along. I introduced myself to her, but she looked at me with this wicked grin before shaking my hand. A grin that says “I won.” She made sure to call R pet names in a very specific tone around me, which bugged me a bit because I recognized the tone as being territorial.
I had to step away after realizing that I was going to be spending the next few hours with this person. Drez was there, and asked me if I would be okay. “I have to be” I told them.
“No you don’t. You can hurt you know.”
“I don’t hurt over him. He’s my friend. I hurt because I know what she’s trying to do.”
“I see it too. Let’s go get what we need from the store. It will help you clear your head.”
So Drez and I went to the store, where we couldn’t find what we needed (some adhesive? Dreams are weird.) When we came back, I saw R in the car with her. She looked at me dead in the eyes and said “This is private time” and started cackling. I knew something was wrong. R was breathing heavily, but not in an exhausted manner. It was like he was suffocating. I banged on the glass and screamed “Something is wrong! Something is wrong! R! Let me in!” The glass wouldn’t break. I turned to run to get help as the woman’s laughter cut through me like a knife. When I turned to find help, all I saw was a meadow. It was endless. There were no buildings in sight. Drez and I ran up the hill to try and find help. I could feel every step, and the heaviness that came with running uphill. Dark clouds started closing in overhead. The car started to fill up with exhaust. Tears rushed to my face as I started yelling for help, calling out his name to stay with us- to stay alive.
I woke up and spent two hours trying to figure out if I wanted to text him or not. Still haven’t heard anything from him since July. I made the decision to text him and tell him a little bit about the dream, and told him that I knew his birthday was coming up and that the last time we talked, he said some concerning things about it. I asked him not to do anything risky or stupid. I told him that I didn’t care if he texted me back (he won’t) but that I hoped he was well.
I think that woman was Death. People often talk about how seductive death can be when you’ve slipped too far. But her laughter was downright evil. Watching R struggle to breathe was one of the hardest things to watch, and it was so vivid.
Bomber says that it’s normal for him to ghost for months at a time, but we have talked nearly every month since November of 2019, even if it was just a message here and there. Sometimes we’d talk every day for weeks, and other times I was lucky to hear from him at all that month, but at least I knew he was alive. Other people can text me just fine, so I know it isn’t my phone.
The dream re-activated feelings that I thought I had finally pushed down. I should be able to push them back down after R’s birthday passes and I know that he’s still alive. I’m going to text his old roommate later and tell him to keep an eye on him on his birthday. As long as I can sign into Xbox Live and see he’s signed in after his birthday and actively doing something, I’ll be at ease and can move forward. The next few days are going to be stressful though. It’s stuck in my head now. I just want my friend to live and not do anything to harm himself.