Alone

The thought came to me today that I really want to be alone. I want to be alone to hate the world for what it’s done to me. Two failed attempts to have a family of my own, lost love, a daughter’s death, and so on. I know who I am and I am fine with it, other people still tell me to “discover” myself and love myself, but I don’t love myself, I live with myself. Every accomplishment I may have made was for nothing. I did what the generations before told me to do. I loved, I worked hard, and I stayed loyal and I lost it all or had to give it away for the sake of others. No one ever gave up something like that for me. My parents were already 3 kids in, I didn’t make them have to change, they already did. Neither ex-wife gave up anything. They kept the house, the kids, and the life.

I’ve been almost everyone’s sacrificial lamb. I have been screwed over, cheated on, lied to, and left by everyone that has come into my life since 1989, all to get what they wanted and to take what I had. Not one of them has ever apologized or even sympathized with me. They did this and blame me for it all.

Am I a saint? No. But I am not a cheater, constant liar, or abuser, but you would never know it by what they say about me, and the people who truly knew me, listen and believe the crap. I can’t even go back to the town I grew up in for my kid’s concert without dirty looks.

So yeah, I’m alone, and deep down inside I choose to be because I don’t think I could honestly take another heartbreak without becoming postal to the world. It would be so much easier if I was better off financially though. That worry just is the gateway to all the other worries.