Husk

I’m empty.

I’ve loved and cried, hurt, and waited for so long, there’s nothing left. I’m like a dried thing that has gone far beyond reviving.

For 4 years I have hoped for someone that I love and held in my heart to just come to me and be there. A call or visit to “see how I am and/or if they could do something for me” as I have done for them before. I got calls, ” How are you? I need a favor…” “I know it’s hard, but could you do???” Never just an “I’m concerned, can I help” call or visit though, always an I need something from you one.

From day one everyone has treated me as though I am just an attention whore who has never had a bad thing happen. A spoiled brat who was given everything in life. I lost Patty and my family for reasons I will never know and she was given the victim card and I was told “shit happens”. I was broken to a point where I had to start completely over with nothing and I am treated as if I have the life of Riley.

My depression is a joke to others. Their hurt and sadness are real, but mine is just a big “notice me” attention-grabbing selfish thing. They have all treated me this way to the point where I am now believing everything is my fault. I don’t know what or how I did it, but it’s all me and I cannot do anything to fix it or myself. I am told what I should think and do and any time I “do for myself” I am wrong, yet the answer to my calls for help is always, “love yourself and do for yourself.”

I will never love myself. Sorry, it’s not going to happen. I like me and I can deal with me, but that’s the best you’re going to get. I know other men in my position, alone and sad hoping to find someone to spend time with, but they are also better off financially and socially. They have friends that care and have the means to have hobbies and go out to see the world. What I am saying is they are not a prisoner like I am. I work but don’t make enough. I have health issues that limit me. I have constant guilt that leads me. My dreams and hopes are used against me. Patty knows me better than I know myself. She knew my fears, hopes, and dreams and used each of them to destroy me and hamper my recovery. So do others like my sister and “best friends”. It all just seems as though the only way forward is to do what they want, hide in my shell, or just flat-out end it all. The funny thing is though, I don’t believe anyone of them would even give a shit either way.