Write to write

I had a whole tirade I wrote, but who cares. I mean, nothing will change.

I can’t wrap my head around living in this world anymore. I don’t make enough money to not care about anything or anyone, but even if I did, I constantly feel guilty that my actions or non-actions effect others who never considered me at all. Did Patty, who knew all my pain and hurt for years, consider me at all by doing it all to me herself? No and to this day even with living with my children and in my family’s home, she could careless about me. I sit here feeling bad because I can’t do more for people who could careless for me.

I don’t know how to move on in life. Who to be? What to be? What I can only be at 51, overweight, and bald?

It doesn’t matter that I have love in my heart or that I would be truthful, moral, and caring. I don’t believe I’m a fugly mess, sure I would feel better with a head of hair and a better body, but I’m not hideous. That doesn’t matter. I can’t spoil a woman. Strike 1. I lost everything and am back to zero. Strike 2.

There is someone I really like. She’s girl next door pretty. Not a pompous type. She has kids. Went through a divorce. Saw the bad side of the “perfect guy”, but I’m not good enough. Oh she cares, says so on my sad FB posts. She’s encouraged my “moving on”, and tells me how “nice” I am, but obviously not for her. Yeah, I understand before you all say that she’s not the one, no one is I think. I’m not good for anyone. I’ve screwed up all the chances the world has given me and now I am SOL.