Sunday night

The kids are gone and I get pulled back to my reality. No one to sit next to and hold hands watching them be kids. I’m not allowed to have that in my life I suppose. I did nothing to lose it, but it’s gone and never coming back.

I can’t enjoy my later years because I was ruined by life’s little tests. I am so far from being secure it’s not funny and it really feels like I may never be.

What do you give up when you’ve list everything? What can you sacrifice when it’s all gone? I live on a shoe string budget now. It’s freezing in my place, but I can’t afford to turn the heat on right now.

I just want to talk to someone,  but there’s no one to call or text. I know what people would say anyway, ” you have to get over this.” If they would be part of my life they would see I  trying and I have been for over 2 years. I just need someone, someone who cares enough not to wait for me to call. Someone who goes through with the promises that they care.

It’s hard when you have time. Time to reminisce like I have. Yes there are good memories, but I’ve come to realize that most of the last 35 years of my life were empty. Except for my children, I really have nothing. The failed relationships. The missed opportunities. The lost life.

What I need is to step out of life for 2 or 3 weeks. A health reset. Figure out medications and actual helpful therapy, but I can’t restart again. I can’t lose my job. I can’t find what little hope I have now again. I feel so worthless right now.

All I want right now is to have Patty laying next to me. Just up against me. Nothing ever bothered me when I was like that with her. Now I can’t get a reassuring word from a friend or family member. Strangers seem to go out of their way avoiding me or give me shitty looks for attempting a conversation. I’m sorry but I am well passed the “God is testing you” limit. Now it just seems personal. I’ve never had this much trouble to make a friend or even have a girlfriend. Now I am treated as a skunk. Judged and avoided by everyone.