I’ve said all of this before

I’m sitting on my couch and I just can’t quiet my thoughts. Yes, the same thoughts I have several days a week.

The vicious circle. I was put out by my ex, who lied and cheated on me. I left with nothing and really haven’t been able to get back to comfortable. I make enough to keep the ship afloat and that’s it. So, weekends like this one where I don’t have enough gas to get my kids and to go to work. I had to buy a pick up. Stupid.

Yet, her, my sister, and others think I am just being a shit father. Yes, the woman who knew exactly how this was going to go and forced it to go faster, now bitches at me about being a bad parent, when she put up all the walls and dug all the holes. My sister who is married, with 2 incomes, and no children whatsoever,  guilts me constantly,  but never wants to acknowledge how my life is stuck in this cycle. She never brings the boys here, knowing that weeks like this, I have $20 left for gas. Why can’t she ever stop by and see her little brother? She’s never been supportive at all in these few years. She was the one person who could have called out Patty’s shit and even sit down and talk to her, but she didn’t, she just played along until the point she believed all the crap Patty and her “new” husband were spitting out.

I miss having a family. I miss not dreading tomorrow because I had a family. I miss people coming around. I miss hugs and kisses. I miss that untouchable no worries feeling when I held Patty at night. I never would have imagined it would be her to cause all my nightmares to happen.

Excuses, that’s what everyone calls my pain now. I can make my life, I can become someone new, I can do this and that, and everything else. I have been trying,  but there are limits, actual limits, but once again excuses. My full time job has weird hours that won’t mesh with a part time. I can’t go miles out of my way for a part time. My 2 crap knees limit me from a lot of stuff and even though I have been ok’d by the doctors, I can’t do it yet. I have no savings,  no company disability,  and can’t live on the $150 a week the state may possibly give me for the month or month and a half I would be out.

Well, poor me. Others have it worse and I’m just a selfish asshole.