Legacy

The hard truth is I don’t really mean anything to anyone and I’ve never made any sort of impact on anyone’s lives.

My sons have live for me, I am their biological father after all, but they don’t need me or rely on me. I don’t get “guess what” calls from them. I’ve never had one of them come out and say they really miss me at home. Maybe it’s a testament to how good Patty is as a mother and how better her husband is as a father for them.

I must be what everyone thinks I am. A loser, a horrible father and friend, a terrible partner, a shit brother, and a lousy human being. Patty dumped me out of her life so completely it’s like I was never part of it. I would guess she wishes I wasn’t the boy’s father either.

She right, I don’t deserve to be their father. I haven’t been able to pay support since I lost my job. I don’t actively participate in the boys lives. They come for a night or two and we don’t do anything. I should have fought Patty tooth and nail in the separation and divorce, but instead I surrendered to the hurt, betrayal, and anger and have totally allowed it to slowly ruin me for 4 years to a point where I almost don’t want to live anymore.

There’s been no good side to this divorce. I don’t have a new relationship or friends who come around. The one thing I managed to have was ripped away, like everything else, in November. And now, I have no where to go after I leave this place.

Seriously, the cheapest place besides the studio I looked at, is over $900. I can’t get that much money together to move in any time soon. If I do find a job, I need to make atleast $19 – 20 an hour to even pay all my monthly bills and child support. I was hard pressed when I was worked and I was making a salary that amounted to $22 an hour. I’m fucked…

There are no programs for a poor guy who is single, unless I go balls into it. Fully homeless and addicted to something. Morbidly obese where I can’t walk or function. I have tried. I’m on unemployment and I still make too much for food stamps or most every assistance program. I managed to get insurance that is affordable, but I’ve already been told twice that they won’t cover things that my other did.

It’s a steep cliff I have to climb and I don’t know how to be a good father, friend, and sibling while I need to climb. It’s been 4 years, no one cares anymore. They never have. I don’t wonder how I will be remembered,  I just know I won’t be.

I realize that there are people out there so much worse off than me, who face each day with a smile and lay down with a prayer every night. I obviously can’t. I know I have to, but I can’t. I know I blame and I know complaining doesn’t do shit.

I guess I don’t know what I want anymore. I’ve had it a couple times and as soon as I was comfortable enough to believe I could trust it, I lost it all. I will never again have the opportunity to raise a family,  not how want to. No I have to do this divorced, weekend shit thing because my heart and soul can’t allow me to be around the life I made and had to give away. I’m not Bruce Willis who can hang with the ex and her man and still be awesome about things. She didn’t allow for any of that doing what she did and yet, she uses it against me. They all do. My hurt, pain, and loss are just weapons that people use against me. To hurt me. To belittle me. To show me how much better they are then me. To tell everyone who will listen that I am nothing because of my reaction to it all.

I want to build a new life on the anger, for me to be selfish like all of them. I can’t.  I worry about shit that doesn’t happen, won’t happen, and didn’t happen. I feel so God awful guilty if I do anything for myself because of others. I can’t accept a notion that as my sons get older they will want me in their lives other than a holiday.

It’s all just me. I have created this Hell I am stuck in. My thoughts and fears. My sense of time and life. My stupid hopes and dreams. My actions or lack of them. I thought I played the game right. I stayed loyal, I worked hard, I sacrificed living a life for just me alone to make others happy. I spent my days wondering how to make her comfortable and secure. What I could do for the kids to give them a childhood like I had. I didn’t make selfish decisions based on “you only have one life and only so much time” and because I didn’t,  everyone has used me and never once apologized or tried to make it up to me. Instead I’m told to suck it up, get over it and that’s life. I’ve never once thrown someone under the bus for my advancement or needs, yet I’ve become part of the pavement for them.

So I guess that’s how I will be remembered, if at all, as the easiest mark to use to get ahead. Oh that loser who we lied to and cheated over. That guy who did all that stuff to make our job easier. That idiot who spent years making a home and family for me to slide into.

I think I’m done with it all. I don’t know, I guess we’ll see how the rest of today plays out.