Ordinary world
They say you are supposed to be more of who you are as you get older. I feel like I peaked some time ago and have lost my way.
Glimpses are caught in hearing a forgotten tune or a moment of quiet solitude.
My mind is so busy, like a whirlpool. How can I see what’s in the water, let alone below it..
but when you sit and try to be still, some of that mud settles to the bottom. If only I could make it stick long enough that it could nourish and do some good growing new life.
But tomorrow’s another day, when feet hit the ground, legs move and I walk through fog, only forced out by necessity to be competent.
I could think to do something else, something less demanding to free up time. But then I would need to face other facets of my life that have run far far away from where I thought I’d be by now.. does it make sense to go back? is it even possible.
and yet I can’t think of anything more that I want
@Sisyphus
Sorry, I don’t know what happened to your comments. I think I pressed something and now they are gone. I am not too familiar with this platform. Let me repost what you said.. and my response.
from Sisyphus
Who says this? This is not my experience with most people. Most people have dropped so much of themselves through their past with compromise regret and second guessing that the mass of quivering nerve endings looks less like our true selves than when we were 3.
On the other hand, if we are wise, we do grow into who we want to be by processing all the pain and joy and bliss and storing these finely crafted memories, which become our rudder and fuel for the future.
But this isn’t automatic, so the lie that you will just fall into it, well it is not a lie, but it took me work to get back where I felt I was, like Buzz, falling forward with style rather than tripping over my own, well, feet.
Don’t let platitudes, if we could wish you anything, it would be that platitudes do not make you wonder why your life is not thus.
Platitudes are the facebook posts that try to make the world think our life is magical. People trying to make their life magical usually don’t have time to brag about how awesome their life is. Not in a meaningful way. We need to know how to make our internal states better WHEN our external state sucks, for it will happen. If not before, then when we contemplate crossing over.
Like public speaking, this can be prepared for to lesson anxiety. This life is not for bragging, like we seem to do. It is for practice. If it is too easy, find a bigger mountain. If it is too hard, recognize it might not be. Maybe. There is a story we can tell in which the struggles we face make us stronger. Our experience reminds us we can let it grind us to dust, if we don’t care enough to keep the bubble blown up. The bubble being that ellusive part of us that we cannot prove to others but we know is there.
That is the important part, the one part we may be able to take with us. Maybe. It’s just a story. But if we can live here in a way that makes those possibilities still valid, and makes this life glorious, well that is something worth seeking.
Either way. gee, I should written an entry before I read and commented, this is long. Don’t let other people who express an experience make you doubt your own. You are the only one that can interpret your life, and lead it where you want to go. You are the conductor. No one else in the symphony gets to tell you the tempo.
You.
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rom Sisyphus
THIS:=”and yet I can’t think of anything more that I want”
If you have time, and energy, could we interest you in a quixotic attempt to make changes internally we hope would spread through the example of peace we think it provides? It is a system you could say is lived by a bit of a prodigal son. I am trying to practice explaining it to people from varied backgrounds, to see if it really does relate as closely as I feel. I need other input though, you know? This is random, your last line caught my eye, since I woke up today thinking I needed to document some other views. I don’t squint at coincidence, I just fall forward.
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Head is spinning..The light’s turned up, bright. Thank you.
How to digest all that I’ve taken in? I try to, I think on it. Mostly I feel it out, because I can’t rationalize nor think it should be rationalized. I get stuck. Sometimes envision bringing the bones and sinew down to Hekate’s altar. but sometimes I can’t let it go. It’s like a hairball, going around and around – stuck. And more keeps coming down the hatch, it won’t stop. I can’t keep up, nevermind get ahead of myself to higher ground. Even my body is starting to say ‘no more right now’.
These are excuses, I know I need to make time and seek out what I need. I’ve gotten lazy, and filled someone else’s orders for my life — to a tee. Do you know what it’s like to live up to someone else’s expectations and surpass them, only to find out that you are lost.. with no way back?
I could care less for Facebook unless it’s to connect with family. I need a cleaning out, but not a sterilization. Right now I just want to make some room in the attic, and have some time to go through those old boxes in my mind. Bring those memories out from the depths. I do look for approval from others, and this is something that is holding me back. I feel I’ve always been this way, though. Shy as a child, and eager to please.
Did you know, falling forward is the body’s natural way of saying yes..at least from an applied kinesthesiology perspective. There are other ways to test, like muscle testing, but it sounds like you are naturally attuned. or by natural, maybe just in tune with yourself..as we all once were and should be.
I don’t mind the mountain, and have found I can endure the climb if there is hope in my heart. But hope and reason are fading. This may be changing. Sometimes I just want to stop to appreciate the view, not just climb ever higher with the risk of falling further. I feel the responsibility more heavily as I get older, carrying those up with me that I care for. What’s at the top? Will it be a new prison, cold but beautiful..will I get wings or be left, forgotten.
Who is “we”?
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