Finally moved in

Well it was sheer hell but we did it we moved out of our old apartment and into our new one. Sheer hell because it was the hottest day of the year with a heat index of 106. Horrible. I felt sorry for the movers, they were sweating profusely, it’s a tough enough job without it being overbearingly hot.

But we are here and much happier then before.

I know it’s the 4th of July but I don’t really give a shit. This is not the America I knew and loved. This is corruption and greed and hatred beyond belief. I hate what this country stands for now. And I won’t be a part of any so called celebration of false patriotism, not now, not ever. I am so disgusted with the way things are going. We are going backwards, not forward. I feel badly for the young people, stuck in this time warp of madness. It sucks.

All I can really do is make the best of things as they are. I started my new job and so far it’s been pretty good. Not really that busy yet but it will pick up hopefully soon. I just hope I can regain the passion I once had doing massage which I absolutely loved to do until about a year ago. Then things changed so rapidly and I got kicked around and roughed up a bit but I am ready to move forward. I met some good people and some not so good. Lost quite a few friends along the way. So I will make new ones. So what? That’s life.

I recently have been obsessed with watching Anthony Bourdain’s shows, Parts Unknown and No Reservations. I guess I always liked him but now since his death, I am trying to put the puzzle pieces together. In both of his shows, you can really hear the quiet desperation in his narrative, dulled by overeating and fueled by alcohol, lots of it. A cry for help perhaps? Maybe. He was married for a time and yet seemed so lonely. He had a daughter but even that couldn’t stop him from taking his own life. Depression is a sneaky mistress. Just when you think she has left, she rears her ugly head once more. I’ve been there. Many times. Definitely thought about suicide, many times. Never did it obviously, mostly because of my children. I didn’t want them to have to live with that stigma and pain of guilt. Then I found things that helped me get through it all, mostly by getting a divorce and finding my calling. That helped me get back on track again. While I don’t always love my life, I am grateful for it. I would have missed a lot of joy if I had decided to end my life prematurely.  And I stopped taking things personally and I don’t sweat the small stuff. And most of it is small stuff. I try and find inspiration every single day. If I hear about or see a story of someone who has overcome seemingly impossible odds, it inspires me. Now it’s time to take charge of my future again. I need to go back to the gym and get serious about losing some weight and getting back in shape again. Because I love myself enough to want to take care of myself again. And dammit I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren if it is in the cards.

So that’s my motivation.


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July 4, 2018

They say “is this a mountain you want to die on? My friend in one of my old places told me this as she was helping me get over my loss and depression when my ex left us high and dry.

I am glad you are starting a new and I am sure everything will fall into place.