Better Day. Comparison Pictures. Working on happy.

Today’s better. Much better. I guess yesterday was better too as it went on.

There is still a part of me that’s sad. I think it always will be tho. His stepdad is a hard relationship to lose. I truly cared about him. I enjoyed him & knew him before I ever met his stepson. Ever married that evil person. Yet, I can acknowledge that relationship is over. That I won’t get to ever enjoy conversations with him again. That the next time I see him will probably be his funeral, except maybe around town, where he won’t acknowledge me – though I hope his evil wife dies first, then maybe he could talk to me again. I understand he must pick them in this game of darkness. I get it.

Thankfully, his real dad, stepmom and her family are nothing like this. They refuse to lose our friendship and will always treat me like family. Always treat my kids as family. As his cousin said, you’re more our family than he is, especially after he’s treated us the same as you and last summer at the lake when he showed what he’s capable of. I may be losing a lot, but I’m not losing those genuine relationships. That’s what counts. That’s what will always count.

I got 100% ready yesterday and went to Trivia Night at the brewery. We amazingly came in 3rd. Not bad as 1st and 2nd is impossible with the two brain teams who somehow know every option possible. It was fun tho which is all that matters. Afterwards I visited with the “brew master” for awhile – Owners son who makes the beer. Who told me how happy he was to see I’m back, to see I’m good. Later he messaged me again to say the same and tell me how good I looked. He’s messaged in the past offering to help and to always reach out to them. I realized that’s why my husband hated the brewery. It wasn’t because I’d have 1-3 beers, often alone, and go home. It was because it was undoing the isolation he had created. I was making friends with the owners who truly do care too and have become like family. I was building a support system without even realizing it as I felt so crappy about my life, like nobody would ever support me.

His comment that I looked good hit a spot. No, he isn’t hitting on me. He’s married and his wife is also amazing. But I do look good – different – I had taken selfies, which I never do. Without any filter – again, I’ve used filters for years to make me look better, happier, etc. – on the occasions I did take selfies. Comparing old pictures to last night – I look different. My eyes are different. My dead soul is coming back to life. I’m beginning to glow again. The old me, buried deep inside, is trying to find it’s way out. You can see the sadness, anxiety, apprehension, misery in the old ones. Now you just see a smiling girl fighting to make the best life possible. The difference is insane.

I think I figured out how to add pictures to my entry. These show Easter this year – a picture he took. A random picture from Early June. Then yesterday, 7 1/2 weeks after filing for divorce and having him out of the house. In the moment I never realized I was dying inside, not to this extent. Now, now I can look and see I’d been dead inside for years.

After trivia I went to dinner with Max at my favorite place. Somewhere I was never allowed to go as it was too expensive and their service is slower so the rare time we did go he threw a fit the whole time on how long it was taking. Unable to just enjoy the time with me and the fact the food is amazing when it arrives. It was pretty fabulous – No fits, no rude comments, no bitching about prices, service or anyone in the restaurant. Seriously, amazing. I was able to just enjoy myself without the fear of a massive freak out, no anxiety waiting for it to happen, nobody telling me to eat faster or judging what I ordered. It was nice. So nice.

Overall, it was a nice, refreshing evening.

I’m slowly finding my way again in this world. Finding me. Fixing me. I know it’ll be a long journey, especially to undo all the abuse and unhealthy thought patterns I developed over the last 14 years. The thoughts and flashbacks creep in frequently lately. I hate them. I hate the memories. I hate he has that control of that piece of my brain still. But I’m willing to do the work to get there. I’m willing to do anything necessary to fix me. Fix my soul. Fix my brain. To simply be 100% happy.

My goal is to acknowledge the haters, acknowledge my feelings and then put them away. Acknowledge the memories, the flashbacks, the awful words that ring within my head and then replace them with positive self talk, positive phrases and again put the bad away. It’ll be a process. But I’m doing it. 100%. He won’t ever get to control my future. He doesn’t get to keep a space in my brain. He doesn’t deserve it. I deserve more. A world free of him and his evilness. Next therapy is Thursday bright and early Thursday morning. More EMDR. More working on this process.

I’m going to get there. I’m going to make the best life possible. I’ll never let the last define me, but instead use it to become stronger – To empower me to become the best me out there.

It isn’t easy. Somedays still suck. Obviously. But it’s worth it. It will always be worth it.