Dear Joe…

Dear Joe,

Six-ish weeks have passed since I last heard from you. Since the day I opened your message, felt my heart break into a million pieces & chose to close your message without responding. Deleting them all. Erasing our chat history as if I was trying to erase your full existence from my life. Why? Why didn’t I respond? I finally chose me. I deserve more. More than what you’re willing to give.

I fell in love.

Yet, it wasn’t really you I fell in love with. I fell in love with the person you let me think you were. With the guy that opened doors, told me how special I was. The guy that always held my hand, making me feel safe in public. The guy who initially told me how badly he wanted forever, wanted someone to enjoy ranch life, was willing to wait as long as it took to be at that point.

That wasn’t really you though. Maybe that was the you that you wanted to be. Yet, deep inside you weren’t really there. Weren’t really ready for forever or serious. You weren’t open to unconditional love. Weren’t okay with someone that treated you better than you’d ever been treated. Not emotionally available enough to be okay with truly welcoming someone into your life and making them a full part of it.

No, that all scared you. Made you go back on your words. Made you realize you weren’t ready. Simply led to you abusing the love and trust you built. Using it against me. You built me up, just to tear me down. You showed me your true colors. Yet I didn’t leave. I stayed for a long 6 months. 6 months of ups and downs. 6 months of hot and cold.

Why did I stay? Why did I let you keep your options open? Why did I accept less than I deserved for so long? It’s simple. I fell in love. I stayed because I fell in love.

It wasn’t you tho Joe. You. The real you. That’s not who or what I fell in love with. Not at all.

I fell in love with the pretend version of you. The you that made me feel special. The you that told me how amazing I was. The you that said he wanted forever.

I fell in love with the vision of our future. Fell in love with the idea of you. With the idea of what our life could be. Fell in love with the forever you let me dream of. Fell in love with the possibilities. The possibilities if I wasn’t just an option.

I fell in love with your kids. The kids you let me meet. The kids you sent me pictures of every day. The kids you told me stories of every second of every day. I imagined the trips you said we could go on. The musical. The water slides. I fell in love with the idea of reading books, doing girl hair again, making breakfast while you fed the cows. I fell in love with the idea of 4 amazing bonus children.

I fell in love with your parents. Your family. I fell in love with our nightly family dinners. Cooking meals for your family. Helping your mom with the dishes. I fell in love with belonging. I fell in love with conversations that easily flowed. With how much your mom loved me back. I fell in love with the idea of finally be included in a family. With the visions of holidays all gathered around that table. With my willingness to help care for your dad. With the idea of being needed. The idea of a real family.

I fell in love with your lifestyle. I fell in love with calving and watching the sunrise while checking cows. I fell in love with farming. I fell in love with the idea of my own goats and chickens. It was the idea. The vision. The dream. I literally fell in love with the hard work, the chores, everything. It was hard yet it felt so rewarding. So natural.

That’s it. I didn’t fall in love with you. Not the real you. No, I fell in love with the feelings. I fell in love with the future my mind created. The future my mind raced to. I fell in love with what could have been. Not what was.

You though. You didn’t fall in love with me back. No, instead you liked the girl that let you walk all over her. You liked the girl who didn’t stand up to you. You enjoyed the girl who did whatever you wanted to make you happy. You wanted the girl that accepted your eventual shitty behavior. Letting you do whatever you wanted to just have a piece of you. In hopes you’d choose her. Someday. Any day. The girl that thought some part of you was better than nothing.

I questioned why. Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Why wasn’t I pretty enough? Why couldn’t you want just me? We could have had it all. You could have had the pretty girl who cooked three meals a day, cleaned the house, cared for the children that weren’t hers, merged seamlessly into your family, embraced ranch life, happily helped with chores. A girl who actually wanted to be a part of your world. Who was okay with living in the middle of nowhere. A girl who was always meant to be a wife. Not just a situationship.

I’ve realized though. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough. It was you. You weren’t ready for happiness. You weren’t ready for me. It wasn’t that I’m not good enough. No. I am good enough. It’s simply that I just wasn’t what you wanted. For whatever reason.

Why didn’t I respond to that final text? Why didn’t I respond when you told me how great I was? Why didn’t I respond when you told me you wanted me but wanted to still pursue more options?

Because I realized something Joe. I realized I deserved more. I realized I wasn’t an option. I’m not option material. I’m wife material. You’re right. I am amazing. Incredible. Wonderful. That’s why I deserve more than you. More than accepting your inconsistency as consistently inconsistent. I deserve someone that chooses me and only me. Every day.

I didn’t respond because YOU didn’t deserve a response. You don’t deserve my words. My thoughts. You don’t deserve to know my feelings. To be a part of my world. You don’t deserve any part of me.

Now I miss you but it’s not you I miss. It’s the fantasy of you. The potential I saw in you. It’s the future I built in my head I miss. It’s my dream of building a life with the person I thought you were. I miss your mom, your dad, your kids, your ranch hands. I miss the cows, the chickens, the wide open spaces and beautiful sunsets and sunrises.

It’s the forever I created I miss. That’s it. Not you. Not the real you. Just my imagination. My fantasies. My dreams.

I’ll heal. I’ll find my forever. I’ll create my fantasy with someone. Someday. I pray the same for you. I pray you can heal and open yourself up to real love. I wish you nothing but the best. Because no matter how much you hurt me I’m still thankful for you. Thankful that you gave me back my ability to dream, my ability to imagine forever. You made me realize what I deserve in life. You made me see how I should be treated.

You gave me hope when I’d lost all hope. For that. I’m grateful. As I close this chapter and move on, just know we could have had it all. Yet, I hope you can find that with someone because now I know I WILL find it and I know I’ll never settle begin. I know my worth. I know what I deserve.

Goodbye Joe.

Love,