Hard Choices

The title of this group is so true. We aren’t alone. Yet it’s so easy to feel so deeply alone.

I’m laying here. Exhausted. Tired of crying. Tired of breathing. Tired of feeling so lost, confused and alone. My mind knows the right choices. My heart aches. And the logical part of my mind says – can you even fucking pull this off?

I went out Saturday night. Just for an hour. Which turned into hours and staying until bar closing. Do I regret it? No. Not really. I regret the hangover. But I don’t regret having fun. I haven’t done that in like a decade. I forgot I even knew how to have fun. I forgot people like me. I forgot guys talk to me or say I’m pretty. I forgot what it felt like to have adult conversations, to catch up with old friends, to have some random popular guy from high school tell you about his totally unknown crush. Absolutely forgot.

People like me? Like genuinely like me. For me. They don’t call me a cunt or whore. They don’t tell me I’m fat, ugly or a bitch. They were nice to me.

Is this why he hates me going to a real bar? I just might realize his verbal blows aren’t true? I just might believe he’s controlling me and breaking me on purpose?

Of course I went straight home after. I’m not a whore. I didn’t let the compliments or friendships go to my head. I’m married and faithful. And if anything I actually told the old popular jock that I greatly appreciated his vote of confidence but I had so many flaws, he was just oblivious. (He somehow got my number from a mutual friend to text me the next day to reassure me he wasn’t oblivious and I needed to be more confident. Thanks buddy. Have a good day.)

Then I came home. To the yelling. The screaming. The name calling. All over again. Actually he’d texted my phone all night. With the same. Made me silently cry more than once. Probably the only reason I continued drinking until 2. I’m an awful. Horrid person. Honestly, I did nothing wrong. I took no advances. I sat on the same barstool all night. Didn’t dance. Didn’t accept shots. Didn’t entertain long conversations. Didn’t accept free drinks. I was far from a whore.

It’s Monday and has continued. He’s taken large sums of money from checking. I didn’t ask why and just asked if he felt like draining an account to please do his savings as all the bills are coming out. He then told me it’s for an apartment. Okay. When that didn’t get me. He went back to insulting me. When that didn’t get me he went to telling me he’d divorce me. Okay. Then he said it was final yet. I had time to change.

I lost it. I don’t need to change. Okay, I shouldn’t drink that much. But he always drinks that much. Every week. He’s mean. He’s rude. He’s belittling. Controlling. Hurtful. Devastating. He screams. He calls every name in the book. Why do I need to change? Why doesn’t he? He turns it around. Again. Of course.

This has been my life since 1/3/08. Do I really want to continue? Why? Why do I let him do this? Why do I take it? I want a divorce. Yet I’m terrified of divorce. It’s going to be awful. He told me tonight I could sign his families papers. Hell. No. Not without an attorney. Then he went on about how he’d ruin me in court. Yeah, already knew that.

That. That’s why I’m still married. I married into a family with money. His stepdad is an attorney. They WILL ruin me. I just always hope everyone will die, the connections will be severed and I can give up that part of life and it’ll be better. Easier.

With that – Tomorrow I do think I’m going to try and schedule a consultation with an attorney. I need a couple of them. And maybe a therapist. As I really need to say this all out loud and talk it through. I have to figure this out. Have to. Living like this is killing me.