It’s Final.

So much is final really. So much.

Trey’s wake and services were Monday & Tuesday. I went. Of course I did. I can’t express how much I’m going to miss this kid. My heart shattered. Seeing him laying there. Gone. Realizing that it is final. He’ll never call or text or come over again. I sobbed each time I went to the casket. Sobbed. Hugging his family. It’s not right. You shouldn’t lose a son, baby brother, nephew. Not at 21. Not ever. The ceremonies were all beautiful. I’ve never went to a legit Native American funeral. So beautiful. Yet, so depressing. Knowing how high the death rates have been on the reservation. Especially young people. Knowing how often these individuals have to do this. It’s shattering. Something has to change. Has to. I was lucky to meet this young man, to welcome him into our family, to love him and be loved by him. So lucky. But damn it, this hurts.

Today again I’ll tell you I’m done. I’m done loving other peoples kids. (At least not any new ones.) I’m done loving senior dogs. I’m done loving everything. We all know it’ll pass though. In no time I’ll be yearning to give that love again. To love someone that desperately needs it. Whether it be a child, young adult or dog. And I’ll do it again. And I’ll shatter someday again. Because that’s life. But I’ll repeat. Because as much as it hurts, in the end, I’d never take any of it back. In the end it’s worth it and the love I received back, whether for days, months or years, was worth it. Knowing I made a difference for however short of time is worth it. Even if it fucking hurts.

The divorce – Signed. Sealed. Delivered. Done. Just like that. I had little/no regret this whole time. It’s what was best. It’s what I needed to do. He’s an awful person and more awful by the day. If that’s even possible. Yet, I noticed today, after touching the papers – I’m sad. I’m not sad I lost him. I’m sad I lost the idea of him. The idea of life. I was sitting here thinking – When I got married I never imagined not staying married this time. I never imagined hating who he was. I never imagined this happening. Even a year ago, even though it was awful, I’d never consciously thought I’d just leave. I fought for this to work. So hard. Took so much. For nothing. At all. Well, not for nothing – lessons learned. Lots of them. It’s just strange to think someone you promised forever too is gone for good. But I guess he was gone for good long ago. His abuse was so slow and subtle in the beginning, I stayed so long as I was manipulated into thinking it was okay. I never thought of leaving as it just slowly escalated. I missed the signs until I was so far in it was too late and my head thought I deserved it. Deserved every ounce of it. I didn’t. I know this. Yet it’s hard to accept somedays. Somedays I question it.

My marriage didn’t fail – I didn’t fail – I survived. I made it through. I became a warrior. A survivor. I succeeded in taking care of myself and saving myself and my kids.

It will all be okay. Someday. One step at a time. Therapy sessions regularly. Endless self care and healing. Someday, my soul will thank me, will be whole, happy 100%. Someday, I’ll look back and see how far I’ve came. Even now, it’s so far. But it’s only going to be farther and farther. And that – for the first time in an eternity – that excites me. The future excites me. The possibilities excite me.

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