Missing them all.

Pretty sad that OD will be deactivating again. Ugh. Especially with 22+ years of entries in here. With no export option I debated if I want to take the time to copy entries. This covers the biggest ups and downs of my life – raising kids, growing up myself, an awful addiction, marriages, divorces, abuse, good times, bad times, loss, heart break. There is so much more bad than good in here though. I documented all the things that were meant to kill me. The things that only made me stronger and the person I am today.

Ultimately, I think I’ve decided to just let my past entries be exactly that. The past. Memories. It’s time to let go and move on anyways.

I haven’t fully decided where I want to go next. I want to keep writing. For sure. Maybe return to Prosebox where most of my former OD friends went the last time this happened? Maybe google other options? I don’t know. Any great recommendations out there?

Really, though, I was going to write today because I’m sad. So freaking sad. So often.

I miss them. Like crazy. Who’s them? Well, who isn’t them lately? But mainly my Grandparents and my daughter. Sigh. It’s a lot.

I live in a world of denial. I simply try not to think about it. Have I processed the grief? No, as tears stream down my face while I type I can say I haven’t processed it. At all. I just let myself believe everyone I miss is on vacation or something. I don’t think about how damn lonely I am.

Sometimes though, I’m forced to remember. Sometimes I make 59 muffins and then remember I can’t bring my grandparents any. Sometimes I see something funny they’d like or do something cool and then remember I can’t call and tell them about it. Sometimes I see a pig item to add to my Grandma’s collection only to remember she doesn’t have a collection anymore. Sometimes I walk into the Post Office and literally smell my Grandpa. Just to be knocked back to reality that isn’t him. Like this week, I thought I should remind them of the Veterans Day meal tomorrow. But they aren’t here to remind.

Life really hurts when the people who raised you and loved you more than anyone become a memory. To know we will never make more memories. It hurts. Badly. So, sometimes I sit here sobbing. Like tonight. So wounded by the loss.

What triggered this? Why tonight? My ex father in law is back in the hospital. He isn’t doing great. He’s 90. The lovely ex texted to tell me. Which basically means he just needs my help and doesn’t know what to do. So of course I head up there yesterday. To the same room my grandma was in before the vets home. To the same chair my grandpa spent hours sitting next to her side. And I proceeded to barely hold it all together. I was supposed to go back today but I just couldn’t. I’ve promised myself I’ll go tomorrow. It’s hard. So hard.

Of course, I happen to really like this man. And it breaks my heart to think of losing him to. No matter how awful my ex and his mom were to me. Jerry was always legit. The voice of reason. An understanding old soul who knew I needed to leave, who knew I needed to get my kids out. He wasn’t awful like them. I’ll do whatever is needed to help them figure out what the next steps are. I’ll visit nearly daily. But first I needed one day to just fall apart. Fall into pieces. Cry until my eyes swell shut. Then tomorrow I’ll pull it all together, go visit at a decent time and begin the process of explaining the next steps to the idiots and figuring out what’s best. Sadly, an extended care facility is probably best from what I’ve saw. But we’ll see.

Yeah, seeing Jerry brought up a lot of painful memories and reminds they’re gone and he’ll be gone soon too.

It’s just too damn much.

I opened the closet this week in the spare room to hang up some clothes I got for Vegas. Only to be slapped in the face by my daughter’s clothes. I thought I’d boxed all that up. I haven’t. It’s like a train wreck. It broke my heart. Again. But I had to look. Page through the beautiful outfits. She was going to be the best dressed baby of all time. Eventually I quit and moved on through more tears. She was so loved. She still is so loved and I can’t wait until the day I can hold her.

I just miss her. So much.

On top of that, I’m struggling with a choice on another baby girl. There’s an option of taking a perfect baby girl in February. I just don’t know. So, instead I pray to make whatever choice is the right choice. She’s been exposed to alcohol and hard drags in utero. Exposed to trauma and abuse in utero. She has the potential for many issues. My issue is… I can’t take this baby if her mother would get her back. She’s a train wreck. She’ll NEVER be stable. Some people can’t be saved and she’s one of them. She’s a repeat offender and addict with her own trauma. I believe in saving everyone. But this one. She can’t be saved. Sad but true. I can’t say I want to raise a child for 18 years. However, I can say I’m willing to break my heart and love someone else’s baby like my own until the baby can go up for adoption and go to a wonderful family that just needs a home study. I qualify as kinship as does the family that is willing to adopt. However, they’re out of state and it’ll be a process. But I’d be this baby girls landing spot until that could happen. Would it hurt to love her and say good bye? Absolutely. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

I’ve really missed full-time foster care lately & have debated redoing my license fully. But to only take newborns while they find a long-term home. (Sadly, it’s needed – those that are willing to take new babies that can’t be in daycare yet, etc. but also willing to give them back or just love them until a permanent home is identified.). I had the most adorable baby girl a couple weeks ago. 5 pounds. Born addicted. She was so tiny, perfect & reminded me why I did foster care in the first place. Snuggling here for an evening just to provide respite care was amazing. Her foster mama also only takes in new babies, loves them and them passes them to their long-term home or birth mama when possible.

However, I’ve swore I won’t redo my license until I’ve lived alone for a year which is what… Like now? And also wouldn’t until I’ve processed my grief further. Which, well, I need to do. And then processed in therapy why I want to do it.

So, yeah, not jumping into that anytime soon. But I am considering this new baby. Deeply soul searching. Tho in an ideal world her mama would just agree to adoption without CPS stepping in and she could immediately go to her forever home. We will see. I just tell myself whatever is meant to be will be.

On a bright note… I can’t handle Christmas without my favorite people. Nope. So, my denial and I are going to Vegas for 5 nights starting on Christmas Eve. Yay!! I cannot wait. I’ll post about that next time tho. Maybe here. Maybe wherever the new place I find is. It’ll be amazing tho.