Still functioning through life. Some days I truly think it’s getting better. I’m getting better. Then it all catches up with me again. Over and over again.
It’s been nearly 2 weeks with zero contact with Captain Douche. His last text was telling me we can’t talk anymore, no communication except the accident insurance, blah blah, take care. I attempted to reply with lmfao but he still had me blocked. Seriously dude, you tell me we can’t talk yet YOU are the one who always starts the conversation. The only question I ever have is – Are you going to sign this week. Yet, he feels the need to tell me we can’t talk. Ummm, did you miss that I quit talking over 3 months ago? So, after contemplating this for 24 hours – I blocked him. I need the no contact. I need to break the trauma bond. I need the freedom. To quit anticipating his idiotic messages or calls. To quit being lured into responding then made out to be the insane one for reacting. So, he’s blocked – On my phone, Facebook and every other app he could use to message me. The end. Silence.
I can’t help but wonder what bullshit he’s tried to send that I haven’t gotten. I’m happy I’m not dealing with it. Yet still curious. Curious how mad he is I’m not reacting. Curious if he’s realized he’s blocked. I have no need for the accident insurance discussions. Which I know is why he added that. Thinking I did and it would keep me hooked. Nope. Have something to say? Tell my attorney. I’ll pay $200/hour for your stupid messages.
Now I just need him to sign. Maybe someday. He wanted it done by 10/25. So maybe this week? Next week? It’s literally all waiting on him. Then I’ll just need to find a day I can take off to go sign myself. I’ve realized the longer I wait the longer we all have his insurance. So whatever. However, refinancing would be nice. It may save more than the insurance. He can’t wait forever.
Alex has recovered from Covid beautifully. Thank God. I was terrified his shitty lungs would quit. But they’ve done great. Super thankful for the doctor and her meds/vitamins. I have no doubt it helped.
Baby’s Grandma passed away Monday night. It was awful. Nobody should die this way. Nobody. Tuesday I went to Jim’s funeral. That too was awful. How someone doing healthy, strong, full of life – can just die. I hate this virus. Despise it. Despise crying. Despise losing people I love. My hearts so sad that baby will never get to know his other Grandma. She was a fabulous Grandma. Fabulous. I think part of my issue with loving him as much as his brother was I knew he had a great grandma and I didn’t feel like I needed to pick it all up myself (his brothers other grandma sucks) and now I have nobody to share that with. It’s all me. Again. It was a long week.
So the boyfriend. So many mixed feelings here. I feel like I have bitten too much off. Maybe it was way too early. Maybe I did need to keep just fixing myself. My therapist remains fully supportive of dating, of him. She encourages it. Explains that my mind just struggles with healthy and learning it’s okay. Changing the thought patterns. I guess it’s good. I guess I’d of had these issues whether it was today or in 5 years. Especially as I’ve never had anything or anyone healthy. Ever. From parents to intimate relationships. They were all unhealthy. So I’m learning. Slowly.
I can’t help but feel panicked somedays. A lot of days. Like it’s just too good to be true. He’s nice. He wants to talk. He wants to be helpful. He doesn’t complain when I take in random kids. Really, he never complains and always wants to compromise, communicate, “make me happy”. It’s tough. How sad that kindness is tough. So, Friday night he insisted I go bowling with him as he was invited. I tried to opt out. He wouldn’t have it. It was fine. We were late enough we didn’t have to bowl. Hung out and got to leave. But. There’s always a but.
He told me he loved me. Then said he should take it back and tell me far more romantically. I’m sure that was due to the dumbfounded look on my face. How does this make me feel? Scared. More scared than I was before. Terrified really. It’s all just too good to be true. He’s too nice. Too wonderful. More than I’ve ever had.
Which leads me into feeling like he deserves more than me. The feelings of not being enough are strong. What did I do to earn a human that’s so genuinely amazing to me? After feeling like I deserved all 37 years of being treated awful, believing that was really all I was worth, that I’d done something to deserve every ounce of it – It’s hard. Hard to change these thoughts. Am I happy he loves me? Absolutely. I think I am. I know I am. Do I love him? I’m totally fallen. Already fell. But that’s scary. Opening myself up opens me up for heartache. For being broken. And I can’t help but feel like the bottom might fall out. That he’ll be like everyone else. That now that he’s admitted he loves me, he will hurt me, break me. Because that’s all that has happened in the past.
Now, now I need to accept it. Now I need to not run. To not build the walls. To not purposely ruin what is likely the best thing I’ve ever had. Yeah, obviously I need lotsssss more therapy to work through this one. Work through my head. Work through life. For real. I won’t sabotage myself tho. I refuse to. Even if the inside of me is begging to, I won’t. My therapist asked the other day – Have you ever not had chaos? Mmmm, no, not really. That’s why your brain is struggling. It’s seeking the chaos it’s used to living off of, it doesn’t know how to build these new, healthy pathways. It’s trying and begging to go to the comfortable chaos. Even tho chaos is awful. Because that’s what it knows. She’s right. I have no doubt. Calm and content makes me anxious. At least when things are chaotic I don’t have to wonder when the chaos is coming. I’m not anticipating the worst when it’s already happening.
Basically, I need to learn how to accept calm, content and happy. I need to be okay with it. I need to learn how to enjoy it. I will. I’m working on it. Someday.